Ndung’u Kariuki

Life's a party. Depends on how much fun you wanna have.

[Ndung’u Kariuki @Emahnue]

"Utakunywa nini mkubwa?"
"Nipee Room Surcharge mbili baridi."

[monka @MsMacharia]

No kugeria mani.

[Blaze Officiel @B3laze]

Even Njerae would slap you

[gids @gidikariuki]

20 people???? 💔💔

[Ademba Allans @Ademba_47]

These were goons sent to disrupt public participation earlier today at All Saints Cathedral. They opted to rob citizens after their attack at the church.

[Unemployed Professor @WRadigo]

Tomorrow Armenia goes to polls. One of the candidates hoping to be elected Prime Minister is Artak Sargsyan of Kochari National Revival and Awakening of the Nation Party.
Long time ago, he was in Kenya as Artur Margaryan.

[griffith gitau @gitau_griffith]

Round about ya GPO had a fountain 😭

[Ndung’u Kariuki @Emahnue]

Hi @NCBABankKenya , why would there be loan arrears under my name yet I've never undertaken a loan with you guys or neither do I have an NCBA bank account and no Mshwari arrears whatsoever?

[Kathurre @Kathurre]

I have a pregnancy test with two lines in case anyone needs to scam a man. Nitakua nalipisha 500 kukutumia. Support my business Aki 😭😭

[SkyVector @TangoFox_]

🧵There's a detailed, government-approved, World Bank-funded plan that redesigns every major road, creates dedicated cycle lanes, builds BRT, proposes LRT,& puts pedestrians first across all of Eastlands.
It's called NaMSIP. Here's a breakdown of the ultimate Nairobi transit plan

[Akan @K2grind]

Gulf energy is recruiting for the Turkana Oil Project

[Eric Mugendi @mougendi]

This is such a kick in the teeth. Here's what 4.5 billion shillings could have done instead.

[Mzee Kelong @mzeekelong]

This is how the guy pulled the robbery 🤦🏽‍♂️ Nlikuwa nimezone out listening to the radio😅 I thought he was just a mad guy...kumbe jamaa alikuwa anapull heist🤦🏽‍♂️

[The Code Smith @BootStrapperX86]

@mzeekelong Mimi nilimpea chwani after ameniibia

https://t.co/ufWSSHJtoV

[Moe @moneyacademyKE]

Some of the biggest CCCC/CRBC projects in Kenya:

Mombasa–Nairobi SGR — Sh327 billion
Nairobi–Naivasha SGR — Sh180 billion
Naivasha–Kisumu–Malaba SGR (revival) — Sh700 billion
Nairobi Expressway — Sh80 billion
Talanta Stadium — Sh45 billion
Nairobi Southern Bypass — Sh20 billion
Nairobi Western Bypass — Sh17 billion
Nairobi Eastern Bypass — Sh20 billion
Makupa Bridge — Sh5 billion

[Arlo White @arlowhite]

I suspect either a tray table was down, or one of the window blinds was still half open.

[Moe @moneyacademyKE]

Tourism in Laikipia has been affected after hotels reported cancellations linked to fears over a proposed Ebola quarantine facility in the area.

The county says it was not consulted on the project, which is now the subject of a court case.

[Kipkalya Kones @MrKipkalya]

Once in a while, Ruto visits Kenya to announce new taxes, then proceeds with his world tour.

Incompetent at birth.

[George T. Diano @georgediano]

A certified mumu by the name Jonte is currently breathing fire like a komodo dragon after he invited a yellow-yellow damsel by the name Ifra Olang, to his humble hacienda in Roysambu for what he thought would be a night of merrymaking, bonding, and advanced studies in horizontal engineering.

According to intelligence reports from the Department of Men Affairs here at Kalahari Desert University of Science Technology (K-DUST), Abebo arrived at around 11 p.m. looking innocent enough to be mistaken for a church treasurer.

Our boy immediately switched into husband material mode and prepared a five-star meal featuring Ugali Obambo and premium Kanamba Specioo as the two irrigated their throats while discussing matters of national importance.

Knowing that the night ahead would require strength, stamina & dedication to duty, Jonte reportedly demolished a mountain sized ugali that could comfortably feed a family of six. The boy wanted enough reserves in the tank before kick-off.

Unfortunately, while our son of the soil was busy seasoning meat in the kitchen, Abebo was busy seasoning his drink with the legendary Pishori from KEMSA not mwea. Moments after washing his hands, Jonte started seeing marudurudu. Before he could say "nionjeshe zigo”, he was already halfway to Dreamland negotiating land rates with his forefathers.

Several hours later, he woke up with the energy of a he goat and immediately noticed that his Hacienda was half empty. Abebo had already completed the illegal asset recovery mission and left the venue.

After conducting a quick inventory, Jonte discovered that his 55 inch Samsung TV had secured a transfer, his laptop had migrated, and his OPPO A34 had answered the call of destiny. Yani alimuacha akiwa matako wazi kabisa,, Chesaa!!

Witnesses say the man sat on the edge of the bed staring into the abyss like a philosopher who had just discovered that free things are the most expensive things on earth. Jonte is now appealing to members of the public, village elders, nyumba kumi officials & the ICC for any information that may lead to the whereabouts of the lady so that his electronics can return home safely.

Meanwhile, other men have also emerged claiming that they were also enrolled into the same clearing and forwarding program by Abebo. Investigations indicate that Abebo holds a PhD in Logistics and Supply Chain Management, specializing in Household Asset Relocation.

However, now that the matter has officially reached the Chairperson of Walala Hoii, my intelligence team has assured me that her 40th day is approaching faster than ever before. Huyu tutashika yeye very soon,, Chesaa! Kama kawa sisi walala hoii hatuna maoni, Letu Jicho tu.👀

[Mubabaddie. @MuchiriH]

Lakini umesimamishwa na police Mara ngapi ?