Em

DM me your soup recipes

[Em @Emburger9]

TikTok be like, “did you know if you like a tidy home that’s a trauma response? Sometimes you feel irritable? That’s a trauma response! Blink and breathe? TRAUMA RESPONSE!”

[NASA JPL @NASAJPL]

NISAR is a big step closer to its 2024 launch. 🚀

After years of construction, integration, and testing at JPL, the mission's science payload was recently packed up and shipped to @ISRO in India. Go inside the packing process with Scott Nowak, NISAR mechanical integration lead.

[Em @Emburger9]

What my husband says: “I’m going to finish my report.”
What I’m assuming he actually means: “Please sit across from me and tell me your theories on famous cold cases.”

[Em @Emburger9]

@Hopebagels2 Oh, that’s interesting! Is that term also used for seeing eye dogs or medical alert dogs? Seems like “emotional support” is a limiting term for all the stuff service animals can do!

[Em @Emburger9]

Friendly reminder that “Emotional Support Animals” are not ADA Service Animals, they’re pets with a vest and an entitled owner.

[Em @Emburger9]

@PokeKellz The service is biting your face off

[Em @Emburger9]

I’m in my “order so much sushi the restaurant gives me two sets of chopsticks” era

[Em @Emburger9]

I wonder how many couples I helped get engaged at Disneyland are divorced now.

[Em @Emburger9]

🎶Brandy, you’re a fine girl. What a good wife you would be. But my life, my love and my lady, is a crab. 🦀🎶

[Em @Emburger9]

Anyone who menstruates: “I’ve got a weird symptom. What does it mean?”
Medical community: “Eh, it do be like that sometimes.”
Menstruating person: “can I get more information or a treatment plan or something?”
Medical community: “IT. 👏🏻 DO. 👏🏻 BE. 👏🏻 LIKE. 👏🏻THAT. 👏🏻 SOMETIMES.”

[Em @Emburger9]

No offense to NeeNaw and PoopPoop

[Em @Emburger9]

Me: “Live your life how you want, man! As long as you’re not hurting anybody I don’t judge. You do you!”

Also me: “These made-up nonsense names for grandparents have to STOP!”

[Em @Emburger9]

“My MIL asked if she could hold HER GRANDDAUGHTER. 😡 Like no bitch, that’s not YOUR granddaughter, it’s 👶🏻MY👶🏻 BABY! 😤 She will not leave my grasp for ⏱ONE ⏱ SECOND. The AUDACITY to want to hold MY BABY! I shut that SHIT DOWN. We momma bears have to 👏🏻SET 👏🏻BOUNDARIES👏🏻”

[Em @Emburger9]

Since the TikTok algorithm seems to think I’m a mom, I’ve discovered a slew of videos whose genre is basically “moms upset that other people also love their baby.”

[Em @Emburger9]

“This is RIDICULOUS!”
- ancient Karen proverb

[TheSheaKitten @SheaKitten]

@dlippman Sorry, freedom to eat dinner at Mortons isn't actually mentioned in the Constitution therefore not an actual right. Did I do that correctly?

[Em @Emburger9]

Hulu: “Listen, we’ve got plenty of other stuff we’re recommending to you. We’ve got documentaries, true crime, and plenty of other procedurals. I’m begging you, try something new.”
Me: “…start CSI season 11.”

[Anna Merlan @annamerlan]

If a pro-life politician crowing about today’s decision ever paid for your abortion and it feels like the right time to talk about it, my email is [email protected]

[Em @Emburger9]

I usually like to walk on my lunch break, but it’s 97° out. So today we’re doing it Jane Austen character-style. (I take a refreshing turn about the room and unsuccessfully flirt with a disinterested brooding man.)

[Em @Emburger9]

(Baby One More Time comes on the radio)
“YEEEESSS!”
(Realizes I’m listening to KEARTH)
“NOOOOOOO!”