Emily

Bringing class and grace to sarcasm since 1985

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

This is Calcutta, Bohemia is d e a d

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

Hey @Purina everything ok over there? All these mixed grill labels are on upside down 😂

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

@Bfoyandafter Oh wait I have 4 too but one is 3 soooo

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

@Bfoyandafter You have 4 friends?!?!?!?

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

Find you a man who, when you say “I probably shouldn’t eat a whole box of fruity pebbles in one day”, says “why not?” and “will it make you happy?”

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

@Bfoyandafter Oh sure sure that old classic

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

Why do men have their alarms on like no one else in the neighborhood needs any sleep but we tiptoe around like waking them would set off dormant volcanos?

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

“So you only wanna burn on your left side?”
“No I’m gonna rotate.”
“So you’re a rotisserie chicken.”
Yeah babe I’m a rotisserie chicken 🤦🏻‍♀️ Why are men like this!?! #iswearilovehim

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

That feeling when Misery Business comes on in the car and the person you use to sing it about is driving. #itscalledmanifestingbitchlookitup

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

Love is dumb cuz why does something that suppose to make you so strong also make you so weak.

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

The older I get the more I feel like I’m actually a house plant disguised as a human.

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

Is ::this random thing:: a trend or is my algorithm just harassing me?

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

I made a New Year’s resolution to get more organized; turns out that just means having more saved folders on @instagram I’ll never look in.

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

“Have you seen me? I’m amazing!” And other lies I don’t thinking telling myself

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

And then he’s all ‘your eyebrows aren’t overgrown, I think you look great.’ BRO I don’t pluck my eyebrows for you! I do it for me!

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

How is it possible to think ‘push me over eat it from the back’ in the same breath as ‘do you know where I left my tweezers cuz my eyebrows are getting overgrown’

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

A sauce person and a no sauce person marry each other and really that’s just how adult life works

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

@shaynasty How do I finagle that?

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

The thing about being an adult is you can have fruit snacks whenever you want. The other thing about being an adult is you have to go out and purchase fruit snacks and then not eat them all at once in order to have fruit snacks whenever you want.

[Emily @EmilyChristina]

@Bfoyandafter On a mug for sure