Eric Hildebrand

mayor of Mega Hornyville

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

nothing like a delicious v8 to send a relaxing bath to cloud nine @V8

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

A bunch of people dressed as the queer eye cast said they would “give me a makeover I would never forget” and beat the shit out of me

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

Shadow boxing and knocking my shadow’s ass out. Count is 8 9 10. Ref waves his hands and calls the fight. Shadow audience is in shambles

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

THE FUTURE IS FEMALE

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

Family fire drill:
Dad comes in fire alarm mascot suit and screams at me. Similarly, brother comes in dressed as a fire and tries to wrestle me to the ground as I try to escape. Mom is suspended from ceiling in black pant suit to simulate smoke

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

I’m absolutely nursing on these white claws dude

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

Rube Goldberg machine of various falling dominoes, candles burning threads, pulley systems, etc that ends with a boot kicking the back of my knee and forcing me to propose to your dad

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

Saw a child fail to get a stuffed bear from a crane machine and saw the light of innocence leave her eyes

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

Fattest ass this side of the Mississippi, and if I went to the other side of it, it would be the fattest one there too

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

@SpaghettiMike You are safe here!

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

To the tune of Jumpman by Drake:

Hot dog hot dog hot dog, this bun needed something

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

Asking the owner of a dog what the mileage is on that thing

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

“Juicy” across the ass of my church khakis

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

Jumping in front of the ride on Splash Mountain to save the screaming passengers

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

My 30s will be my transition from “Mayor of Mega Hornyville” to “Eric DILF-debrand”

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

@RachelGBrackins Oh did my silly little fingers send out that silly little tweet! Oops! No going back now though. Darn!!

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

What do you call Two men with pee stage fright that are standing beside one another at the urinals?
A Manaconda standa- off-a

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

I could easily defeat your dad:

I would first stunlock him by insulting the grill lines on his burgers. I would then sweep his legs and knock the white new balances off his feet. I will then deliver the final blow by mowing his lawn badly

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

I started saying “acascuse me” instead of excuse me, like from pitch perfect. Now I can’t stop. I will also say “acapella excuse me” if I’m really feeling it.

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

Try not to kiss challenge (impossible)

[Eric Hildebrand @EricKHildebrand]

If you steal from someone that teaches people how to neuter their pets online, you are a computer neuter tutor looter