Erik Lindquist

SLC / Graphic Designer / Fraiser Enthusiast / Habitual Brow Furrower / Bodacious, Be-dimpled, Pert-nosed, Well-endowed Knockout

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

Thanks For The Memories
https://t.co/L1p2kdQ3aY

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

Welcome to Jeff Probst's Great Island Baking Show. You'll live on a deserted island and be challenged to bake the finest patisserie, all judged by Jeff Probst.

"This bake is crap!" This time, Jeff Probst has spoken.

30 days. 20 bakers. 1 Island Baking Champion!

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

Working on a voodoo doll of myself so I can force it to do the next Squatober.

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

My Therapist: What percentage of your day to day conversations with your wife are influenced by Jar Jar Binks?
Me: Exsqueeze me?

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

Out, sifting through life's many amenities, when unexpectedly you were ripped into a horrifying history of fashion malediction. Your eyes, nowhere to run, the pagan sashay of these emblazoned britches gloating at your gaze. It was the pants! Pants with Juicy stamped on the ass!

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

It's okay, It's just AI. It's helping you make dinner. It's AI. It's helping you drive your car. It's just AI. It's helping you with work. It's AI. It's delivering your packages. It's just AI. It's putting your children to bed. It's AI. It's watching you sleep. It's just AI.

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

Pregnancy tracker apps be like:
“Your baby is the size of a crouton.”
“Now your baby is the size of a brick of Parmesan.”
“Now your baby is the size of a head of romaine lettuce.”
“Now your baby is a Caesar salad.”

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

2026 has not been kind to Ryan Seacrest's face.

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

Here he comes in your rearview, an astonishing sight.
Squeezing through the traffic, with his hands clenched tight.
Sails past you with a butt crack of blinding white.
It’s a big fat guy on a bullet bike.
Yeah, it’s a big fat guy on a bullet bike.

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

Me: *flips a kitchen towel off the floor with my foot and catches it in my hand to avoid bending over*
My 2 year old: WOW!
Me: You're damn right wow.

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

I am happy to announce that I will be this year's Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree.

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

Me: What if they changed the name of New York to New Pork?
Jenessa: *not amused* What if.
Me: No Good!?

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

While my first few laps on the baggage claim carousel did feel somewhat liberating, I found it less and less likely, with each revolution, that this would be the most practical way to find a good psychiatrist.

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

"I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for that meddling Coldplay!" -Scooby Doo Villain Andy Byron (Ex Astronomer CEO)

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

The problem with the toupee isn't the toupee itself. The problem with the toupee is the time frame from no toupee to full toupee... What they need is the halfway toupee.

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

Imagine a limbo filled with chain shops. A consumerist dream spilling over with the fluoresce rapturous branding of retail, fast food, convenience and everything in-between. It's real. It exists outside of your imagination and its name is Riverdale. Riverdale, Utah.

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

If you can't be fat and happy on Christmas at least you're fat.

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

Me wrapping all of my Christmas gifts early so proud of myself for being diligent vs. Me cursing myself into the deepest pits of hell on Christmas day because I can't remember what's inside any of the gifts I wrapped.

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

He sends you an email. He doesn't keep a thread. He sends a new email. Individual attachments. He sends a new email. He mocks efficiency. He sends a new email. He disrespects your inbox. He sends a new email. He has many enemies. He sends a new email. He's going to be murdered.

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

*Me genuinely excited*
Me: Hey! You wanna try some new toothpaste!?
Jenessa: Sure!

[Erik Lindquist @Erik_Lindquist]

Walt Disney has turned over so many times in his grave from bad decisions that Disneyland has announced the new Walt Disney Spinning Coffin ride.