Maria Esslinger-Raven

Midwife with long covid and animal mummy.
If you haven't already please support our staff in the NHS

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

Crying in pain after being unable to undress myself or put on my compression socks. Luckily I have the most amazing partner but without him I wouldn't cope. 25 & I can't put on my socks or undress myself. Two years ago I would cycle 32 miles in under 2 hours Who am I?
#LongCovid

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

You assaulted me, but now deny it, after telling me it wasn't a character trait of yours, yet I'm the 3rd person you've done this to. You took my body, consent, mind, friends and now you're blackmailing me for my home too. Yeah, you're a good guy and this isn't a trait at all...

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

Too scared to sleep but being awake isn't much better. Rooms, words, smell, touch, serving as constant reminders but at least I can move, distract or drown out the thoughts.
In dreams I relive it on repeat. Stuck, can't escape, trapped in my mind as it happens again. #NoMeansNo

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

It's crazy how everything impacts #LongCovid. I have nightmares reliving trauma; but then my pain, breathlessness, fatigue and symptoms all worsen. I was doing better, buried the issue down deep, but seeking help has brought it back and now I'm scared to sleep...

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

You said you loved me, that I was going to be your wife & that I have taken your life. But you did things that can never be taken back. I can't sleep, breathe, eat or live. I'm not as strong as people thought...You traumatized & hurt me. If you loved me, how could you do this?

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

I convinced myself that I might get an apology. That you'd see the hurt you caused. Instead I was gas lit, your family threatened me & I feel worse. #LongCovid is flaring up, #diabetes uncontrolled, but all I wanted was for you to admit & explain what & why you did what you did.

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

You'll never know that I spent hours in my car having flashbacks & panic attacks about entering my home.
You'll never know the grief of knowing that it will be 7 years until I have a body you haven't touched.
You'll never know how much guilt I have that I let it happen again...

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

I actually stood up for myself today. I set boundaries. Granted it took a close friend being hurt to actually do it. When it hurt me I didn't mind, but now it hurt them and they don't want to pursue the friendship. If I had respect for myself would this have happened? #reflection

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

#LongCovid flare up. The first time in 13 years I'm single. I can't care for my zoo alone so they'll be rehomed, friends I've made with this partner have vanished - I'm alone in my home town & my friends live hundreds of miles away. It's the right thing, but it's hard & I'm tired

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

I'm trying to find myself, I'm lost & I don't recognise this person. I've the same body, job & soul but different symptoms, new issues & I'm darker, numb, alone. #invisibledisease has forever changed me & this journey's hard but #LongCovid won't defeat me. Not tonight not ever.

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

Realised today that I'm currently numb. I still feel overwhelming PTDS from past experiences & have #LongCovid pain; but my diabetic control isn't where it should be, I didn't want to be seen for a very infected, sore open wound - I didn't see the need. I just didn't care...numb

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

It's not every man but it's some of you & we don't know who.
You weren't actually in any danger.
Funny, this comes from someone that I'd never expect. They've apologised but the damage is done. Recently I learnt it wasn't my fault but hey, I wasn't actually in any danger was I?

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

I was #proud of myself today, I was triggered & had PTSD flashbacks but I calmed myself down, moved on & didn't dwell on it. A year ago I would have been a mess for a week.
All that changed when someone said 'Yeah, but you weren't actually in any danger'
#survivor #women

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

When is this culture of women or victim blaming going to end. It's not all men & I agree with that, but do you see the signs and do anything about them? Do you laugh it off as a joke? Do you blame the victim? Do you protect us from your creepy uncle or overly friendly neighbour?

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

I know men do too but you weren't actually in any danger.
When was the last time you were followed home? I can tell you date it last happened.
When did you get spiked? I can tell you by who.
When did you think this guy is going to kill me? I can tell you the weather on that day

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

The thing is, women are always in danger.
We get followed on the street.
We get spiked.
We are seen as weak and defenceless.
We get targeted in the car.
We get wolf whistled and shouted at.
We get harassed for what we wear.
We get verbal abuse about our weight or appearance

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

Is this true?

[@Dr Jenny Ceolta-Smith PhD RetiredOT 💙💛 @JCeoltaSmith]

Calling all my U.K. peers #LongCovid #MECFS community +our allies please consider signing ✍️
👇 petition
To stop #DWP having access to #Benefit recipients’ bank accounts
@CounsellingSam
@long_covid
@SupportingHH_UK
@LongCovidSOS
@chronicinclude
@benking01
@Saffiya_Khan1

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

TENs at full power, compression socks on my legs & arms, pain meds maxed, heated packs, there is no let up. #LongCovid & chronic pain/fibro winning this fight & the dark thoughts are returning. Chemist & GP can't help & I'm still waiting on pain clinic.
3 years but forever to go

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

Is this forever? Hiding the pain, pretending to be normal when my body is screaming. An untamed monster eating away at my identity, work, life until nothing is left.
There's no more we can do. You just have to wait. You have a pain referral, what else do you need?
#LongCovid

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

Having a really bad pain flares up. I started the day exhausted and unable to get going, but had a random burst of energy where I was productive at work and did well. I was tired, I should have slept, now it's crippling pain all over and I'm maxed out on everything. #LongCovid

[Maria Esslinger-Raven @Esslinger_Raven]

Stupid fricking Friday, pain patch runs out so my #LongCovid pain flares up. Bonus that the animals are freaking out because it's close to #BonfireNight and people can't wait. Partner has just been fired and he's out with friends so I'm alone. Fantastic... Just... fantastic...