Fake Jeff Smisek

I know you have a choice in parody airline CEOs, and I thank you for choosing FakeUnitedJeff. Sir/boss/jefe. email: [email protected]

[Fake Jeff Smisek @FakeUnitedJeff]

United: we didn't start the race to the bottom, but by God we plan to win it!

[Fake Jeff Smisek @FakeUnitedJeff]

I feel a tremor in the force. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old adversary. @martysg

[Fake Jeff Smisek @FakeUnitedJeff]

If all the bankrupt US airlines post-9/11 had been bought up by an investment group headed by Osama bin Laden so Al-Qaeda could be “free” again, it might match what Twitter feels like today. Bye, folks — it’s been a ride.

[Fake Jeff Smisek @FakeUnitedJeff]

What the actual fuck???

[Jon Ostrower @jonostrower]

Someone check the weather, Hell has frozen over. https://t.co/KPgGgJk8Hb

[Fake Jeff Smisek @FakeUnitedJeff]

@ericsmithrocks Slept in my Rolling Stones t-shirt and woke up to find a day that broke up my mind.

[Fake Jeff Smisek @FakeUnitedJeff]

@ByERussell Squeezing two turds together. Classic business strategy. I might race to the bottom but those two have been digging the hole deeper for years.

[Fake Jeff Smisek @FakeUnitedJeff]

I thought I scrubbed all of the old livery before I retired. Still beats buying new sims. Those things ain’t cheap.

[Steve Giordano @SteveNomadic]

God this thing is an ancient piece of shit!

[Fake Jeff Smisek @FakeUnitedJeff]

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification

Me: Gosh, remember how great United treated 1Ks?

Liquor store clerk: enjoy your purchase

[Naté @MetaCookbook]

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification

Me: remember making mixtapes from the radio? You had to hit the “record” button with millisecond timing.

Liquor store clerk: enjoy your purchase

[Fake Jeff Smisek @FakeUnitedJeff]

Southwest American Delta United

[Fake Jeff Smisek @FakeUnitedJeff]

I don’t have much pull at United anymore but if I did I’d make sure that upgrade didn’t clear.

[Jake Sherman @JakeSherman]

Here’s the upgrade list for this afternoon’s flight from Cancun to Houston.

Looks like ⁦@tedcruz⁩ is on his way back, ⁦@danpfeiffer⁩. He’s just narrowly missing the upgrade list

That’s assuming that “cru, r” is him. And I do.

[Fake Jeff Smisek @FakeUnitedJeff]

@NYCAviation Just once I want the answer to be “Jefferson Airplane”

[Fake Jeff Smisek @FakeUnitedJeff]

Narrator: Customers don’t.

[David Shepardson @davidshepardson]

.@AmericanAir letter on 737 MAX: “if a customer doesn’t want to fly on the 737 MAX they won’t have to”

[Fake Jeff Smisek @FakeUnitedJeff]

The bitch is back. https://t.co/QseyNcBRIn

[Fake Jeff Smisek @FakeUnitedJeff]

Looks like somebody bought a Trump helicopter. It remains to be seen if it’s being bought for an amount way over reasonable value for a fairly tapped out S76B with some maintenance issues in its history. https://t.co/QGKpDbL3qk

[Fake Jeff Smisek @FakeUnitedJeff]

@Ryanair Yeah, you may need to make sure he’s aware of that mask policy of yours.

[Nate Silver @NateSilver538]

OK this is real bad tho

[Fake Jeff Smisek @FakeUnitedJeff]

Well, fuck.

[Fake Jeff Smisek @FakeUnitedJeff]

But companies who buy trucks thought it would burn less fuel, and if there’s a safety problem we can always sue the manufacturer. Problem solved.

[Fake Jeff Smisek @FakeUnitedJeff]

@paul700789 @AirlineFlyer @FurloughedAgain @byerussell Yes. Let’s totally focus more on the pilots, because that distracts us from the choice our airlines made to fly a defective product likely to kill people because it was 7% cheaper to operate.

[Fake Jeff Smisek @FakeUnitedJeff]

@martysg If you need to unload some A350s at a steep discount, I’ve been looking for something comfortable to fly from the ranch to the golf course.