Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters

Fat Puppet is a humorous online publication written by Ashton Winters.

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

@TheStalwart Cool mask in his tomb

https://t.co/URNhu4MwZW

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

Interview to Become a Monk

"— There are no lady monks. And you’ll have to take a vow of chastity.

— Who’s Chastity? She sounds hot."

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https://t.co/BHD3ECRtCM

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

I'm Dr. Frankenstein and I Didn't Mean to Make that Monster

Honestly, it was an accident. I mean yes, I did go dig up all those bodies. And I did stitch all the scariest parts together.

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https://t.co/yudvRcUfCo

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

Firsts Drafts of the Grinch

“What you might not know is that the Grinch we all love isn’t the original. In fact, there were a bunch of other drafts before old Seuss landed on the final version of the Grinch.”

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https://t.co/dT2FVBMY7J

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

The White House Would like to Apologize for This Year’s Turkey Pardon

“We were not aware that not only did the turkey know how to use a gun, but it had used one to rob several local businesses.”

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https://t.co/TFFNNev81W

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

Some Potions Are Better Than Others

“Like the Lava Potion, which lets you wade through lava, sounds really cool at first. But then you realize, how often am I even around lava?”

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https://t.co/ClHdvU0LWC

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

New post published on McSweeney’s! Check it out!

https://t.co/MYOe20kLp0

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

The World’s Most Annoying Clockmaker

“— How about this? The grandfather clock. It’s a clock that’s just like your grandfather.
— It smokes cigars and tells me I’m a disappointment?”

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https://t.co/4ywSgyH4j2

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

I Opened My Own Zoo Because That’s Where the Money Is At

“Some zoos trade animals around to keep things fresh. But none of the zoos I talked to were willing to trade a rhinoceros for my ant farm.”

Check out the latest post on Fat Puppet!

https://t.co/MBUbs0GXIo

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

Metal Detectors Are Great, but Here Are Some Other Detectors I Want to See

"Youth is fleeting, so you might as well start acting old now. That’s why I decided to buy myself a metal detector."

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https://t.co/habk9dlxNW

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

The Eclipse May Be Over, but I’m Not Done Using These Glasses

"The worst part about glasses is that you always have to throw them away. It doesn’t matter what kind, they just don’t last."

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https://t.co/n5WaRwZIgc

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

The Mystery of Stonehenge

"Some historians say Stonehenge was a sort of calendar. I don’t know what kind of calendars these historians are looking at, but I’ve never seen one made of rocks."

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https://t.co/RBdljdUE9Q

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

I Found the End of a Rainbow Even Though Rainbow Science Says It’s Impossible

"It’s like I always say, 'I’d rather be rich and ugly than poor and ugly.'"

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https://t.co/mDZH5DNoUC

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

@mbateman @paigefinnn If you want a funny essay, you can check out Fat Puppet. I like this one.

“Sitting Can’t be the New Smoking—It Isn’t Cool Enough”

https://t.co/VOOElCAaER

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

Julius Caesar Revises the Roman Calendar

"There are only ten months. And then there’s this sort of limbo period where we stop caring about months. And then we go right back into months again."

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https://t.co/Plw922wHzS

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

People Keep Throwing Me Down Wells

"All’s well that ends well. Especially when you’re being thrown down one. People are always throwing me down wells. That, or running me out of town."

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https://t.co/3z8X1SF221

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

Pinocchio Goes on a Date the Day After Coming Alive

“Hi, I’m Pinnochio. Thanks for meeting me at this bar. I love going to bars. I’ve loved bars the entire time I’ve been alive, which is about as long as you have.”

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https://t.co/tcNcufQOgX

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

Santa Made Me Conductor of the Polar Express and I Messed up Big Time

"I had usually gotten fired for gross negligence. And a few times for grossout negligence. But at the North Pole, it didn’t matter."

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https://t.co/rwyt6FVjTd

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

@zachsilberberg You might enjoy this thing I wrote haha

https://t.co/c8nOke6cHD

[Fat Puppet by Ashton Winters @Fat_Puppet]

Sitting Can’t Be the New Smoking—It Isn’t Cool Enough

“They say sitting is the new smoking. Whenever I take a seat, somebody tells me, ‘May as well just smoke a pack of Marlboro Reds.’”

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https://t.co/FqtJuYG6Kn