"I'm a polytheist who believes God was once a man, that He's married to a female goddess and they live on a planet called Kolob, that Jesus and Satan are brothers, that there's a potentially infinite number of gods and I'll one day become the god of my own planet populated with my celestial space babies, I deny every single essential Christian doctrine, and reject every historic Christian creed.
Now explain to me why I'm not a Christian right this second."