Fly J

I tried to push an alien out of my vagina, but it didn’t work. Wannabe writer.

[Fly J @FlyJ_]

My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool.

[Nayele18 @nayele18maybe]

I know I seem unapproachable. That's the plan.

[Fly J @FlyJ_]

Men are such idiots

[Ron Perlman @perlmutations]

Woke up to see twitter is now “X”. The real question is “Y”

[Fly J @FlyJ_]

@wiseconnector Sex

[Fly J @FlyJ_]

Pro Tip: Feel the need for a good relationship? Get a dog.

[Fly J @FlyJ_]

The great thing about getting older is the ability to fall and hurt yourself without even drinking.

[Fly J @FlyJ_]

Quit crying, it only gets worse. Start drinking now and you'll be fine.

-Me as a high school guidance counselor.

[Fly J @FlyJ_]

I can only assume that when people disappear from Twitter for months at a time that they're doing well in rehab.

[Fly J @FlyJ_]

Remember when we were kids and we couldn't wait to grow up, move out of the house and get a job?
God, we were dumb.

[Fly J @FlyJ_]

My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool.

[Fly J @FlyJ_]

People keep inviting me to attend their events like they don’t know I have a dog at home who I’d rather hang out with.

[Fly J @FlyJ_]

Is it ok to say, “Fuck you, I want a divorce” in a text or no.

[Fly J @FlyJ_]

I wanted to get off the couch and get a glass of water, but I'm too lazy to move, so I decided to tweet about it instead.

[Fly J @FlyJ_]

I wonder how many bodies are buried in Boyd's backyard.

[Fly J @FlyJ_]

please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here...
-me opening the dryer

[Fly J @FlyJ_]

Your call is important to us. Please wait on the line until you're dead and an agent will be with you shortly after that.

[Man of Letters @manofletterz]

Twitter is for people who want attention while being left alone.

[Fly J @FlyJ_]

@netflix

[Extra Strength Tylenol 🏴‍☠️ @MissesDread]

Looks like the red wave was actually just some mid-cycle spotting.