The World Cup is exposing these absolute truths:
1. The U.S. is awesome. Everybody else is figuring that out.
2. Mexico is a cartel state.
3. Canada and Australia suck.
4. Japan is really nice.
5. Norway is fun.
6. Egyptians are jihadists.
7. Germany has Freddy.
8. Europe is in decline.
If you followed me today? Perfect. Slam that notification bell because I am about to commit a hate crime against feelings.
I am about to make the anti American crowd sob so hard their therapist will need a therapist. These people wake up mad at a flag. They hate apple pie because it is problematic. They think the Pledge of Allegiance is a microaggression.
They spend every sunrise to sunset dragging this country through the sewer calling us colonizers racists genocidal maniacs while typing it all on a laptop built in China sipping a 9 dollar latte from a company that pays zero taxes wearing sandals made of recycled yoga mats.
And yet they are still here.
Not in North Korea. Not in Iran. Not in Venezuela.
Here. In the land of the free. Whining about how unfree they are.
You know why they stay? Because everywhere else would eat their gluten free soy based non binary lunch in about 45 seconds. They would get canceled by a dictator before they finished their first complaint tweet.
These are people who call the troops war criminals but cry when their Amazon Prime is late. They chant defund the police then dial 911 when a stray cat looks at them wrong. They want open borders but gated communities. They want equity but not effort. They want change as long as someone else pays for it.
They are not revolutionaries. They are toddlers with Twitter accounts. Emotional support animals for each others delusions.
So today on the Fourth of July while they are busy burning flags and drafting their next America is trash manifesto I will be over here grilling burgers drinking bourbon and thanking God I was born in the one country stupid enough to let these whiners run their mouths for free.
Happy birthday America. You are not perfect but you are perfect enough to make these crybabies absolutely lose their minds.
Now hit like share this with your most unhinged friend and watch the comments turn into a therapy session.
God bless America. And God bless the tears.