Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings)

Writes: stuff & nonsense. (Mostly nonsense.) Drawn to: #microfiction, prose poems, the melan-comic, the Absurd. Sometime freelance copy/content writer/editor.

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

A SHORT PLAY FOR TWO ACTORS (ONE SHAVEN, ONE NOT)

ACT 1.

INT. PUB - AFTERNOON

MAN sits down at bar, begins to stroke beard mysteriously.

ACT 2.

INT. PUB - NIGHT

OTHER MAN (Having finally plucked up courage): Oi, do you mind? That's my beard.

THE END

#SFFiction

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

To the relief of pensioners everywhere, rumours of an impending Werther's Originals shortage have been definitively butterscotched today. "Mmph… schmmph… justaminute…," said a spokesman for the beloved brand, before finally finishing his sweet & blaming "the internet".
#vss365

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

Umber: a spectrum of shades of brown (plus two anomalous shades: green and black, used respectively for cucumbers and umberellas)

#vss365 #umber

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

If only we wore pendulums instead of ties, we would always know what time it is.

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

Even the word 'political' has its own manifest o.

#vss365 #manifest

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

'Synaesthesia', explained the perfume taster, replacing the spitoon. 'Now if you'd be so kind as to pass me that beaker?'
'This one? But… it doesn't smell of anything?'
'Yes, exactly. A little sip of Neutradol between samples, it does wonders to clear the palate.'
#vss365 #taste

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

celebration

(noun)

diet endorsed by a celebrity

e.g. 'Just a small kale salad for me, please — and hold the dressing. It's a #celebration.'

#vss365

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

Anticipation
is the future's wrapping paper.

#vss365 #anticipation

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

excuse

(noun)

an apology's chrysalis

e.g. 'Eventually, in the final stages before hatching, the #excuse turns fully transparent.'

#vss365

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

–I'm as surprised as you are, she shrugged. Twenty years of all your lamentations, and I'd have sworn blind you were tone deaf.
2/2

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

I woke up bereft (but in the key of B#). Not an auspicious start to the day.
–What's eating you? asked my wife.
–I woke up #bereft, I said. In the key of B#
–There is no B#, she said flatly. If you're anything, you're C-reft
–C-reft, I said. I'm not sure I'm capable…
1/2
#vss365

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

TIPS FOR A BROKEN KEYBOARD

· If for whatever reason u are unable to write 'night', simply write the word 'evening' instead & change the typeface to bold

· In the event of broken CAPS LOCK & SHIFT, write solely in whispers, of little to no importance, addressed to no-one
#vss365

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

Hyphen: #solder for words

*

"When soldered together, on the other hand, a pair of cans is often referred to as Siamese tins*…"

*Disambiguation. See also: conjoined toucans (colloquial names)

*

Eyesight failing, the old electrician, nonetheless, soldered on…

#vss365

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

At the back of every mirror shop is a small well-lit room with hooks on the walls, where you can hang up any mirrors you're thinking about buying and try on the reflections.

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

The National Museum of Taxidermy—closed in unfortunate circumstances, late last December—will finally reopen, following extensive renovations and repairs, as Britain's first and only #wolpertinger museum, early next spring.
#vss365

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

· The scientific name for an #ocelot kitten is an 'ocelittle'

· The world population of ocelots is ~800,000 — if you enter the ocelottery today, you have about a 1 in 800,000 chance of winning

· With a top speed of 61 kph, the fastest species of ocelot is the velocelot

#vss365

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

I met my #doppelganger once.

Or vice versa, perhaps…

Anyway, the whole thing was a little awkward, to be honest.

Secretly, I think, we'd both been hoping, that if we had one, he'd be just a bit better looking.

#vss365

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

@michael22300807 My melted sundial agrees :)

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

'How long is a #moment?' asked the piece of string.

#vss365

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

@writedowndrain It feels about right :) But then if you bring in perspective... and relativity & time dilation... it all gets, um, pretty piece-of-stringy.

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

@_LimaZulu Glad you enjoyed it 🙂🪢

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

@Fizzytwizler Thanks, that one took a bit of compressing! :)

[Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings) @FredTweetzsche]

It turned out the #dust cloud was on loan from a museum of ambient art. As it blew thru town, Art lodged in every crevice. A plague of critics soon followed in its wake &shows no sign of abating. The local dust floats listless,unsettled, newly anxious of praxis & cliché…
#vss365