George A. Meyer

graphy

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

This #joke is #Sponsored by #Gingerale: "Gingerale! When you're sick and you're like, "I should probably have soda"

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

Trying to decide between joining a Kickball League or joining an ironic Kickball league

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

I miss being 18, back when I was super fit, incredibly popular and a huge liar

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

Who's your favorite Backstreet Boy? Mine's Abe

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

Every time I hear about how much people are making off bitcoin I think to myself goddamn I wish I owned a computer

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

AGAIN! I BOUGHT ANOTHER SLICE, NOW, DO IT AGAIN!

For the 7th time, they belt out happy birthday. I sit back and let the song wash over me. By tomorrow, I'll no longer be allowed back to this Olive Garden.

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

Mom: why do you never call us?

Me: because none of my friends ever call their parents.

Mom: If all of your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?

Me: YES, MOM! THAT'S THE WHOLE REASON I JOINED A CULT!

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

I do love my son but I dont like him. Well I guess I dont actually love him and come to think of it hes not even my son at all!

The therapist is in awe of the progress Ive made. I walk out. One day Ill come back apologize to her patient for barging in but not today. No not today

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

When your partner asks if you still find them attractive, you should immediately respond, "Yes." Do not take ANY time to think about it even if it's just a few days.

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

BLOOD!

SWEAT!

TEARS!

PANIC ATTACK!

HOSPITAL!

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

"Eat shit and die!" is a mean thing to yell at a person but a cool thing to say to a fly

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

This most unfathomable divergence in my everyday argot can be traced back a hebdomad when I voyaged to the book depository and procured a word-a-day calendar.

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

Pro Tip: Once you've paid your admission to the zoo, you are allowed to yell, "Wake up!" at any animal you want. Sleep on your own time small pony!

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

Step 1: Come up with company name

Step 2: Print it on a t-shirt

Step 3: Wear blazer over t-shirt

Step 4: Entrepreneur!

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

"Hey Ma, wanna try this?!" I shout back at no one as I grab two free Costco samples

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

I like to go to the park, watch the birds and jot down the one's I've eaten

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

"The only thing an old man can tell a young man is that it goes fast."

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

Movie Idea

Homophone II: The Night Knight

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

Does anyone have any recommendations for essential classic films that I should pretend to have seen?

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

Everything else aside, I think we can all agree that "The Panama Papers" is a great band name

[George A. Meyer @GeorgeAMeyer]

American Airlines: Why would we even consider hiring you? You have no experience as a pilot.

Me: Oh, I think I could...wing it

AA: Wow!

*slow clapping starts*