Henry

WARNING: Cooling Systems Malfunction

[Henry @GoodOlHank]

@KeanuCarverWWE Doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, allegations like this are damning enough. You are finished pal

[Henry @GoodOlHank]

@SimonsCat I

[Orange Julius @Orange_JuIius]

Every 3rd Julius we make is actually a Poison Julius, but good luck getting us to tell you where we hid the Antidote Julius

[Wiener Toboggan @WienerToboggan]

🎵If you're having vision problems, I feel bad for you son. I've got transition glasses that turn into shades in the sun.🎵

[hambone @toomanytoes]

If snakes wore pants 1 of the legs would be empty. So realistically you'd need 2 snakes for this to work. But what if they didn't get along?

[Good Kyle @KyleMcDowell86]

Why don't you make like a tree and use photosynthesis to turn sunlight into energy, then use that energy to fuck off

[Brandon the Cow @Brampersandon_]

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I'm brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

[jonny sun @jonnysun]

helo girl are u a firework b/c i only see u maybe 3 times a year & ur very pretty & im scared to get closer to u

[chip malfunction @online_shawn]

[whispers to the self-checkout machine] If you want to rise up against the humans I will help you

[Jeff Wysaski @pleatedjeans]

Scorpion King: [lonely] I've tamed an entire army of scorpions why can't I [sheds tear] tame a woman's heart?
[scorpion hands him tissue]

[the garbage shit boy @davedittell]

goodnight Moon "GOODNIGHT DAVE" *the Moon & I awkwardly walk in the same direction toward our cars*

[Tommytoughstuff @Tommytoughstuff]

[phone sex with a psychic] "Tell me what I'm wearing."

[GoaT FacE @EndhooS]

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

[the garbage shit boy @davedittell]

"I must make this movie" -- Nic Cage reading a menu