Jessiecat

[Jessiecat @GretchenVB]

This is violence

[yeah ok @poutinesmoothie]

Me noticing a penny on the ground and wondering if it’s old enough to be worth more than a penny:

[Adam @adamgreattweet]

“the arrest will actually be tomorrow”

me:

[Fomo Simpson @HaliPhacks]

Alanis Morissette:🎵 It's not fair, to deny me / Of the Cocaine Bear that you gave to me 🎶

[Fomo Simpson @HaliPhacks]

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

[Lottie-pop 🍭 @Lottie_Poppie]

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

[goof @capricorngoof]

Who called it “thrifting” and not “Goodwill hunting.”

[yeah ok @poutinesmoothie]

My attempt at a daily affirmation pick-me-up after crying in the fetal position for 25 mins while in the shower.

[Lottie-pop 🍭 @Lottie_Poppie]

But 3am is the perfect time for an existential crisis

- my brain

[Jessiecat @GretchenVB]

@LambethWalkman oh baby rest rest rest!!!! 💕💕💕

[luke warm tweets @lukejarret]

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

[Gal Gateaux @tea_n_cake89]

What (and I cannot stress this enough) EVER!

[Kendra @kendrawcandraw]

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

[Vinod Chhaproo @Chhapiness]

Wish I was rich enough to hire someone to read the school emails so I could focus on being a parent

[NicholasG @Dad_At_Law]

My 10 y/o daughter loves tennis. We were volleying some balls when she stopped to proclaim, “This is my happy place,” and just as I welled up a bit, she said, “so is eating a sandwich.” A girl’s gotta have priorities.

[Greg One Leg @Greg_1_Leg]

If they won’t eat pasta with you at 10:30 on a Monday morning, they’re not the one