Pariah Carey

NEW ACCOUNT. The old one had an accident. Wash your hands. Don’t eat your boogers.

[Pariah Carey @H0TMessBarbie]

Every breath you take is filled with air that’s already been in someone else’s lungs.

[Pariah Carey @H0TMessBarbie]

Kid Rock will be headlining Turning Point’s alternative Super Bowl halftime show.

If you’ve purchased tickets to this event, they will be uploaded directly to your ankle monitor.

[Pariah Carey @H0TMessBarbie]

Imagine if Sam Adams had stayed home and minded his own business.
🫖⛵️🌊
😉

[Pariah Carey @H0TMessBarbie]

Erich Von Däniken has passed away.

Aliens have issued a statement regarding the author’s death: DIDN’T DO IT!!

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Blocked:1985

[Bob Golen @BobGolen]

The gym won’t give me a refund for “forgetting I was a member”

[Pariah Carey @H0TMessBarbie]

Intellect is the only weapon that gets sharper the more you use it.

[Pariah Carey @H0TMessBarbie]

A Chicago-style pizza implies the existence of AP and MLA style pizzas.

[Pariah Carey @H0TMessBarbie]

Do you know why you get fat around the holidays?

Because the more pi you have, the bigger your circumference is.

[Pariah Carey @H0TMessBarbie]

I’m wearing my SpongeBob t-shirt. I’m also wearing my glasses. Someone just said, “Oh! How cute! You have SpongeBob glasses, too!”

[mariana Z @mariana057]

He's making a list.

He's checking it twice.

He left it at home.

He is texting his wife.

[Pariah Carey @H0TMessBarbie]

That Liquid Glass iOS update sure was the improvement the iPhone was desperate for. I just love swiping and clicking my phone off and on 500 times just to unlock it.

[mariana Z @mariana057]

I don’t need a maid.

I just need someone to tell me once a week that they’re coming to visit and I’ll panic clean my entire house in less than an hour.

[Bob Golen @BobGolen]

I dropped my pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Welcome to the holidays: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

[Pariah Carey @H0TMessBarbie]

It’s the most “wonderful” time of the yeeeeeaaar…there’s too much jingle-belling and everyone’s yelling and not enough beeeeeer….

[Horatio Quartzjixler @Quartzjixler]

In early 1987, a number of municipalities passed ordinances restricting to the hours of 7 am to 7 pm all Wang Chunging which had increased precipitously at night in late 1986.

[Pariah Carey @H0TMessBarbie]

How the Grinch Stole JD Vance from Usha.

[Pariah Carey @H0TMessBarbie]

I need to put my glasses on. I just said Good Morning to somebody’s porch Santa.

[Pariah Carey @H0TMessBarbie]

What kind of sauce do Marines eat with their Thanksgiving turkey?

Crayonberry Sauce.

[Bob Golen @BobGolen]

When I wish folks Happy Honda Days, I do it of my own Accord.