HatHappy

Piles for miles, stop by for awhile.

[Jeanine Weber @NaomiSpungen]

Your old-timey mobster name is your favorite chain diner + how many eggs you want + what body part you’re gonna eat the eggs with (e.g. Denny Two Toes)

[donni saphire @donni]

Hurt my knee earlier by lying on it wrong. I'm a fragile porcelain doll

[Tyler @BeerBatterBeard]

For a fun and flirty look this fall, spit a pumpkin seed into the face of anyone that speaks to you.

[Shari VanderWerf @Shariv67]

Platypuses are mermaids to ducks.

[Greg Schindler @Schindizzle]

If you come across Home Alone while watching TV, don't be an asshole and change the channel, even if you own it on DVD. Show some respect.

[donni saphire @donni]

Never give a cop chocolate. It makes them very sick (obesity, diabetes, etc)

[Ross, the largest friend @anacardiorosso]

Ow ow ow. Real quick, can one of you be my mommy for a bit? All you gotta do is say this happened b/c I'm fat then tell me I'm imagining it

[Your best nightmare @marcusparkersol]

WHERE IS THE MILKSHAKE LADIES YARD?!

[donni saphire @donni]

A helper monkey who helps you come to terms with unresolved childhood issues

[Tyler @BeerBatterBeard]

After the third one in a row, sneezing and crying become synonymous.

[feral fawcett @knifesex]

all of the universe is within you so you can eat as much sand as you want

[donni saphire @donni]

You can use the Internet to troll and bully but right now I'm using it to learn about Pacific Green Sea Turtles, so.

[Aisha Tyler @aishatyler]

Watched a show last night called "Naked and Alone." Dismayed to find it wasn't a documentary about Anthony Weiner. Dismayed and relieved.

[donni saphire @donni]

Meet me on the Titanic, it's going down

[donni saphire @donni]

"O! Cat Taco!" is both a palindrome and the logical reaction to seeing a cat taco

[Choksi @saurinchoksi]

Me everyday if I was a marketing intern at @drpepper: "I got it! Dr Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Can!" I was not well liked in my early 20s.

[donni saphire @donni]

His memes are sweaty, memes weak, memes spaghetti

[donni saphire @donni]

Get any cop drunk enough and he'll admit to loving crime