swallowed 2 contact lenses

your cool aunt/drunk uncle

[swallowed 2 contact lenses @HeyLittleTank]

two things:
- i quit my job

- the other day i confused a pile of garbage bags on the side of the road for an entire horse

[swallowed 2 contact lenses @HeyLittleTank]

@mpershan Ack just saw this and you’re too kind! Thanks for giving those preposterous lists a home.

[swallowed 2 contact lenses @HeyLittleTank]

Enjoy this glimpse of a typical Sunday with my mother

[McSweeney's @mcsweeneys]

"Now, to do this the RIGHT way, we need a portable X-ray unit. Of course, your father always forgets the portable X-ray unit. He remembers the dog's birthday. He remembers to refill the hummingbird feeder. But he forgets the portable X-ray unit."
https://t.co/8dVLyuJyFr

[swallowed 2 contact lenses @HeyLittleTank]

@mickeyhadick Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it!

[The American Bystander @BystanderTweets]

https://t.co/m89zuGv3S3 @HeyLittleTank

[swallowed 2 contact lenses @HeyLittleTank]

@JasonGarramone @mcsweeneys Thanks so much! It was a fun one.

[swallowed 2 contact lenses @HeyLittleTank]

Thanks to @mcsweeneys for indulging this fever dream

https://t.co/NYExAfSlL5

[swallowed 2 contact lenses @HeyLittleTank]

@schrobblehead

[swallowed 2 contact lenses @HeyLittleTank]

DID YOU KNOW?
i am in issue 25 of the american bystander!

check it out for terrible jokes from me AND good ones from a whole bunch of other folks. please. it’s my stupid birthday.

https://t.co/csH1UxwCwl

[swallowed 2 contact lenses @HeyLittleTank]

I can’t stay silent any longer

https://t.co/bHjzuF6W1t

[The American Bystander @BystanderTweets]

This is my Uncle Go-Gurt.

…and one order of dirigible sauce.

Celebrity leprosy!

Destroy the octowolf.

@HeyLittleTank

https://t.co/2SAgViTWGN

[swallowed 2 contact lenses @HeyLittleTank]

@ModernVintageG @LasVegasLocally news loves this kind of story. it’s compelling and just the right amount of “scary,” but nobody died so they don’t look ghoulish when they report it.

[The American Bystander @BystanderTweets]

Thanks to @HeyLittleTank for this collection of sadly rejected mascots. https://t.co/3so2gPWEg9

[swallowed 2 contact lenses @HeyLittleTank]

@Santos4Congress ppl in the santos office feverishly researching amnesia

[swallowed 2 contact lenses @HeyLittleTank]

@NotABigJerk distracting amnt of fuzzy lens flare this season but i tune in, i guess to see if gary can make kristin scott thomas physically ill

[swallowed 2 contact lenses @HeyLittleTank]

@greg_doucette "my new book, 'in defense of desperate whims' is out in paperback now"

[swallowed 2 contact lenses @HeyLittleTank]

@GeneticJen @tamoorh love it.
“this is the most important Burrito Supreme in history!” i sob at the drivethru while hungover

[swallowed 2 contact lenses @HeyLittleTank]

@NotABigJerk prolly kinda therapeutic, i’d get caught up in the catharsis & just start throwing anything within reach

[swallowed 2 contact lenses @HeyLittleTank]

@celebrityhottub @pattymo i think about this incident with relentless and embarrassing consistency

[swallowed 2 contact lenses @HeyLittleTank]

@elonmusk @micsolana for someone who claims to love civilization you sure are an embarrassment to it

[swallowed 2 contact lenses @HeyLittleTank]

@yoda i dunno. i mean, this *could* be the most productive period those companies have ever seen, now that he's distracted