Matthew Schmid

Everything is magic when you're dumb. He/Him. Sketch writer for @theflatearth and @tismj_sketch. Sketch teacher @Xroads_comedy [email protected]

[Matthew Schmid @Holy_Schmid]

Wife: You're up early.
*husband quickly conceals breakfast plate full of worms*
Husband: Heh, yeah.

[Matthew Schmid @Holy_Schmid]

@NeilWith28591 @jowrotethis “Neil Geisler: Blue check, eight followers” should be the new “for sale: baby shoes, never worn.”

[Matthew Schmid @Holy_Schmid]

@NeilWith28591 @jowrotethis Touch grass, dude

[Matthew Schmid @Holy_Schmid]

@DOGE @DOGE_USDA @DOGE_SSA https://t.co/yE0iCacyvZ - 10 million a month for four years is half a billion in taxpayer money for golf trips. Get rid of it.

[Matthew Schmid @Holy_Schmid]

@nickialanoche @dcimprov Artie! So excited to finally come perform with you all. Can’t wait!

[Matthew Schmid @Holy_Schmid]

If I could do it all again I’d definitely be one of those TikTok guys who does cool tricks with a remote controlled motorcycle.

[Matthew Schmid @Holy_Schmid]

The other day I witnessed a man only eating the crusts of his pizza. I was shook to my core.

[Adriano InfinityVision Caporusso @AdriCaporusso]

Pretty disheartening for Emma Stone not to thank her acting coach once 😒

[Matthew Schmid @Holy_Schmid]

Skinamarink

[Matthew Schmid @Holy_Schmid]

When your wife meets her hall pass.

[Matthew Schmid @Holy_Schmid]

I just want one Zone Of Interest trailer to say “from the director of Jamiroquai’s Virtual Insanity…”

[Matthew Schmid @Holy_Schmid]

Season 4 of The Wire is a Christmas movie.

[Matthew Schmid @Holy_Schmid]

He’s probably not even in the top ten most psychotic people wearing an Eagles sweatshirt this morning.

[Matthew Schmid @Holy_Schmid]

@davidcinema

[Matthew Schmid @Holy_Schmid]

Artie has a farmer’s tan

[Matthew Schmid @Holy_Schmid]

Paige Chris

[Matthew Schmid @Holy_Schmid]

Virgina

[mount bellyache @mountbellyache]

meg white and ringo starr are both good drummers

[Matthew Schmid @Holy_Schmid]

Wow. Paulie Walnuts was snubbed from the in memoriam. Smdh

[Matthew Schmid @Holy_Schmid]

My #Oscars watch progress!
Best Pic 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩⬛
Best Actress ⬛🟩🟩⬛🟩
Best Actor ⬛🟩⬛🟩⬛
Sup. Actress 🟩🟩🟩🟩⬛
Sup. Actor ⬛🟩🟩🟩🟩
Best Animated ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛
Best Int'l 🟩⬛⬛🟩⬛
Directing 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
#oscaround
https://t.co/AgudSyanWZ

[Matthew Schmid @Holy_Schmid]

When someone doubts my film bro status