Ryan Houts

Creative professional. I prefer unsliced bread.

[Ryan Houts @HoutsLikeShouts]

@Cavallokristen I feel like my Facebook feed is that movie, but we haven't got to the good-wins part yet.

[Ryan Houts @HoutsLikeShouts]

FaceID does not work with COVID-19 masks, @Apple please get on that. Thank you. #COVID19 #masks

[Tim Nudd @nudd]

Guys I don't think the Snickers Hole™ is working.

[Ryan Houts @HoutsLikeShouts]

If you're gonna DIY your wipes, don't mix rubbing alcohol and bleach. https://t.co/FJERDXOxNj #COVID2019 #COVID19

[Ryan Houts @HoutsLikeShouts]

Wasn’t this a Brad Pitt movie? "100's of monkeys fight over food on streets because no tourists are there to feed them."
https://t.co/YnvsbOGHKk

[Ryan Houts @HoutsLikeShouts]

Here's what to do with your extra Toilet Paper once this is all blown over. https://t.co/9OY246PY7y

[Ryan Houts @HoutsLikeShouts]

I've been shot. "Maclunky!"

[Ryan Houts @HoutsLikeShouts]

It's that time of year to put on some Xmas music and write Holiday Headlines.

[Ryan Houts @HoutsLikeShouts]

If you ever need to feel good about yourself as a writer, just spend 10 minutes reading Craigslist ads.

[Ryan Houts @HoutsLikeShouts]

I think Yew is the new Yeet. Prove me wrong.

[Ryan Houts @HoutsLikeShouts]

@JaeDansie Klein reached into his ammo bag for another clip, but instead found only a stale pack of gum. The alien horde crested the hill before him. He unwrapped a stick and started chewing.

[Ryan Houts @HoutsLikeShouts]

Project Manager: Where should we order lunch for the lunch meeting tomorrow? Me: How about we just get 100 chicken wings?

[Ryan Houts @HoutsLikeShouts]

Geez, I thought we were done with nipples during the Super Bowl halftime show. #wardrobemalfunction #SuperbowlLVIII

[Ryan Houts @HoutsLikeShouts]

Now we’ll see how many news outlets had Stan Lee tribute videos ready to publish, just waiting for this day to happen.

[Ryan Houts @HoutsLikeShouts]

Some LaCroix flavors I've been working on:
5. I had a dream about lemon peels.
6. Banana Mist.
7. Mango from a bag with a large hole in the bottom.

New for fall:
8. Pumpkin Spice Latte mentioned in a text message.

[Ryan Houts @HoutsLikeShouts]

Some LaCroix flavors I've been working on
1. There was kiwi in the fridge next to this.
2. I ate a single grape last night.
3. Essence of fruit cup lid.
4. Here's a drawing of a strawberry.

[Ryan Houts @HoutsLikeShouts]

#4thofJuly2018 @BuzzFeed #IndependanceDay #NathansHotDogEatingContest

[Ryan Houts @HoutsLikeShouts]

This is #Murica https://t.co/qMLaq8GLrw

[Ryan Houts @HoutsLikeShouts]

@weezerafrica @bafeldman @Weezer You did it!

[weezer cover africa by toto @weezerafrica]

Looks like @Weezer finally blessed the rains...
#WeezerCoverAfrica