Ian Bardenstein

Writing in @NewYorker, @slate, @mcsweeneys, @SlackjawHumor, @PointsinCase, and on the Semantic Chicken Substack

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

In my latest essay for Slate, a sleep tracking ring gaslights me

[Slate @Slate]

The only thing worse than sleeping terribly is sleeping terribly and being assured that you actually slept quite well. https://t.co/PgIpKfdrR2

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

If you have experienced how hard it is to find the actual recipe on a recipe blog, my most recent New Yorker piece is for you

[The New Yorker Humor @newyorkerhumor]

A guide to saving someone from choking, written by an expert blogger. https://t.co/dvHUHsY1vV

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

Forget fishing - I bonded with my father-in-law at the Proud Boys trial. And then I wrote about it for Slate. https://t.co/Wz2FoO0nnF

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

My latest essay in @Slate is for anyone who, like me, has googled things like "why is my baby fussy" or "how to soothe fussy baby." Thanks @rebeccaonion for the opportunity and the edits!

[Slate @Slate]

“Fussy” is an odd way to describe babies. Because they’re, well, babies. https://t.co/APdHFxZups

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

"Prime your child for a career in data analytics with number blocks, measuring cups, and graphs depicting their impact on your sleep quality and relationship satisfaction."

My new humor piece (with @EugeniaViti) for new parents is live in The New Yorker.

[The New Yorker Humor @newyorkerhumor]

Try decorating your nursery with smiling jellyfish, dolphins, and turtles, so you’ll be the only one in the room who’s concerned about drowning. https://t.co/imV0RbvYKT

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

Semantic Chicken: White, male...snacker? https://t.co/YK9cY7Tby8

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

If you wear camo in a non-forest setting, should it really be called camo?

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

Censored versions of songs would be much better if they replaced each explicit word with the name of a vegetable

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

Everything I know about breathwork I learned from Darth Vader

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

My latest for @Slate is live! Thanks to @IsabelleKohn_ for the opportunity and the wise edits

[Slate @Slate]

There's nothing that 24 hours alone in the woods can't cure, right? ... Right?! https://t.co/wlJe8YU5su

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

Were the Impressionists artistic visionaries? Their paintings suggest they were just nearsighted

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

Pigeons could really improve their public perception by rebranding as "urban doves"

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

Saw an article on a Philly news site called "39 cheesesteaks to eat before you die." Pretty sure that many cheesesteaks over any time period is a lethal dose - why not call it "39 cheesesteaks to eat, then die from"?

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

When two starfish embrace, is it considered a hug or a high five?

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

It's not that I love skinny jeans - I just want jeans that look regular on my skinny legs

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

Excited to share my first essay in @Slate about the unusual way my partner and I determined our baby's last name. Many thanks to @rebeccaonion for the opportunity and her keen editorial guidance!

[Slate @Slate]

We decided hybrid last names were like dogs—we’d rather admire other people’s than have one ourselves. https://t.co/0uoR2jv3gG

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

God and the internet have quite a bit in common in my latest piece for @SlackjawHumor:

https://t.co/8tC3odpLGR

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

I got a piece of junk mail addressed to “Current Resident or Current Resident.” I guess it was for me after all

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

“Good blood, fast service.” I am the restaurant being reviewed in my latest for @PointsinCase. Do I have what it takes to earn five stars?

https://t.co/FiaatjsLCa

[Ian Bardenstein @IBardenstein]

@2lanesOfficial @jrobinson_3pt So serendipitous! Gotta check out your latest. Hope all is well!