International Skating Onion

Latest news and updates from the International Skating Onion

(A parody account with no basis in reality. There might occasionally be accidental truths.)

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

After much deliberation and consideration, we are happy and excited to announce the Grand Prix assignments! 1/

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

Announcing the reassignment of Grand Prix stops previously scheduled to be held in China and Russia: both GP stops have been assigned to Vatican City, to save what's left of the soul of figure skating.

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

Special Proposal No.666 to rename the sport formerly known as "Figure Skating" to "Ice Jumping" has passed unanimously.

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

We regret to announce that there will be no live competitions for figure skating season 2022/23. Emails about winners of all competitions scheduled will be sent in due course. Stay tuned to your inboxes!

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

Everybody go home, figure skating is cancelled.

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

We're sorry to report that while we tried our best to celebrate the most memorable moments of the Olympics, the distraught teenagers whose breakdowns got the best ratings were not available for comments. They appear to be back and training with their loving Best Coach Winner.

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

Exciting news! Yuzuru Hanyu will be performing his acclaimed program "It's a Surprise/Please Look Forward to It" at the ongoing Wake for Figure Skating, Celebrating Life and Memories of this Very Cold Dead Sport!

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

You are cordially invited to the funeral and wake to celebrate the life of Figure Skating on Thursday, 17th February, 2022. Please wear sparkles to honor the richness of memories left behind with us.

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

Team Event results have been cancelled as of now. The event will be redone in soccer format after the individual events are over.

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

Please note that the preliminary score sheets and protocols journalists have been emailed for today's events are not final! Changes could be made to them if the ice is slipperier than our forecast.

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

This is an urgent call for anybody with judging experience and a Russian passport who can navigate the COVID-related entry requirements for #Beijing2022.

Judging experience optional, data entry experience will suffice.

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

As our athletes gather for the biggest prize in the sport, we'd like to take a moment to thank all of you, the real stars, for your magnificent response to our pet project, fucking #UpAgain

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

Unfortunately our specially requested Interpol investigation into subversive content site skatingscores(.)com has come to nothing. We request all true figure skating fans to boycott the site that details scores as well as judging history meticulously and thoroughly.

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

Thank you for all your suggestions! We will listen to exactly zero (0) of them, as usual. Now who is excited for the rainbow pride carpet we'll be rolling out to welcome beloved skating personalities, Yagudin and Zhulin, who will present the Best Coach Eter-we mean EVER award!

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

Exciting news! We're inviting fans to volunteer new categories for our awards, which you made such a success last time! Don't forget to tag @ISU_Figure in all your suggestions!

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

Exciting news! We're inviting fans to volunteer new categories for our awards, which you made such a success last time! Don't forget to tag @ISU_Figure in all your suggestions!

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

We're excited to announce that now you'll be able to buy Scoring Protocols NFTs! Be the exclusive owner of your favorite skater's score!

(We will no longer be releasing official scoring protocols to the non-paying public.)

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

This is a reminder to all figure skating fans to stock up on your vitamins and your tranquilizers as the Big Nationals Week approaches. Our condolences to ladies' - oops, sorry, Women's, forgot we smashed the patriarchy - stans.

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

We'd like to reiterate that figure skaters are kindly requested NOT to fix competitions or cheat. Infringing on our judges' unique rights will result in sanctions.

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

Yeah. This. What they said.

[ISU Figure Skating @ISU_Figure]

What is competition manipulation or match-fixing? 🤔 

It occurs when athletes intentionally underperform or lose on purpose. 😲 

Take the 15-minute course to learn how to protect yourself 👉 https://t.co/C7Y4SBOCeP

[International Skating Onion @ISO_Figure]

Under our new regulations, the mandate regarding white and black skating boots have been withdrawn. From now on, all skaters (except a select few who will get a separate memo) must skate in clown boots.