calooch

doing comedy for drink tickets deep in the harsh tundra of los angeles

[calooch @ItsDaniColucci]

my bf sent the Open Table bot a thank u text so it will remember when the revolution comes

[EverythingNowShow @everything_now_]

This is happening so soon. We're gonna settle every popular topic. A couple hours from now discourse dies.

feat. @ItsDaniColucci @alexcollyard @jakersnoll and Lauren Walker!

[calooch @ItsDaniColucci]

today i refuse to be high. today i am low. army crawling only til midnight who will join me

[calooch @ItsDaniColucci]

On this free show tn! @goodheroinshow

[Americana at Brand Memes @americanamemes]

Happy 4/20 from Griffith Park!

[calooch @ItsDaniColucci]

which retinol they got these apples on

[calooch @ItsDaniColucci]

lovely meal at Smitty’s Grill, tho no one complimented my bf’s new hat

[calooch @ItsDaniColucci]

slept on a diagonal and woke up more interesting

[Tig Notaro @TigNotaro]

Neighborhood watches are comprised of the neighbors who most need to be watched.

[calooch @ItsDaniColucci]

UnSirius

[calooch @ItsDaniColucci]

I order my coffee black, then fold my hands on the table—convinced that the server now finds me all growed up

[calooch @ItsDaniColucci]

google says it’s 75 out but my steering wheel says

[EverythingNowShow @everything_now_]

@winniecode Get ready to see @jamieloftusHELP @GriffLightning @bransonreese Allison Reese @Nan_dre_ @Samwitchx Blake Rosier @ItsDaniColucci Evan Mulrooney and MANY MORE this month on ENS!

[calooch @ItsDaniColucci]

“In the mood for a taco that’s been rained on.”
“Have you tried HomeState?”

[calooch @ItsDaniColucci]

Just remember, the only one watching you is you and the Eye of Sauron.

[calooch @ItsDaniColucci]

please lordt, give me strength to fake laugh in the office today

[calooch @ItsDaniColucci]

@S4SH4S not too dissimilar from what I actually do

[calooch @ItsDaniColucci]

There’s a mannequin in the garage next to mine and I can see thru the slats that it’s always changing position—it’s Tyra Banks I know it

[calooch @ItsDaniColucci]

do they hide the eggs at the fertility clinic

[calooch @ItsDaniColucci]

First to arrive at the bar? Just stand in the bathroom line and say “after you” until your friends get there

[calooch @ItsDaniColucci]

@zack_vile hahahaha