Koala: Fied to Party

Worlds 37th greatest lover, world’s OKest at flipping pancakes. Here for laughs and in search of serotonin.

[Koala: Fied to Party @ItsKoalaTeaTime]

Good looking people with terrible personalities are just live action click-bait.

[Koala: Fied to Party @ItsKoalaTeaTime]

Grammatically, colons make a big difference in a sentence.

1. She could feel it in her heart, today was going to be a day to remember.

2. She could feel it in her colon, today was going to be a day to remember.

[Koala: Fied to Party @ItsKoalaTeaTime]

@Under1kContest @all_tweet_calls I hope you like Dad jokes!
The patient did not

[Koala: Fied to Party @ItsKoalaTeaTime]

Had a patient ask if it’s OK to have a child after 35?

It’s a personal choice but 35 seems like more than enough kids to me.

[Koala: Fied to Party @ItsKoalaTeaTime]

Had a patient ask if it’s OK to have a child after 35?

It’s a personal choice but 35 seems like more than enough kids to me.

[FreeRangeMattress @free_mattress]

I have a large life insurance policy solely to ensure my wife is thoroughly investigated in the event of my untimely death

[Heatherhere 👽 @Heatinblack]

Guided meditation but it’s just me listening to cheese melt

[K Squared @thatdentaldude]

Sorry I’m late, but I was thinking about chili cheese fries.

[Shrek but Irish @IamPhartacus]

I don't want to be patronizing, unless it's like a daddy issues thing in which case I'm game

[Koala: Fied to Party @ItsKoalaTeaTime]

Sitting in your chair on the porch you quietly watch the birds in their birdbath.

You hear something in the distance. It sounds like-

Surprise it’s the bird cops. Some robins called on you for being a creep and watching bathing.
It’s gross dude. Don’t be gross.

[Koala: Fied to Party @ItsKoalaTeaTime]

@NerdJokeTuesday @all_tweet_calls @damnfinetweet Thanks!

[Koala: Fied to Party @ItsKoalaTeaTime]

Not to flex on everyone but my new pager came in.

[Mal @TheRealPalMal]

Friend: You should watch this movie.

Me: Thanks. I’ll check it out.

Narrator: When in fact he did not check it out.

[Heatherhere 👽 @Heatinblack]

[First time on a public bus]

Gwyneth Paltrow: I think I have some ideas for my new line of candles

[Casbien Barr @CasbienBarr]

Them: you need to sort you life and get real, it’s like .......

Me: *slowly raises headphone volume

[𝕬𝖜𝖋𝖚𝖑 𝕬𝖓𝖌𝖊𝖑 @AngelaTheAwful]

It's not Sunday unless you completely waste it then feel bloody depressed around 8pm.

[Koala: Fied to Party @ItsKoalaTeaTime]

HR: Welcome to corporate America! Each cubicle comes equipped with a computer, a phone, a dehumanifier, and some generic posters!

Employee: Wait did you mean dehumidifier?

HR: Sure why not

[Ella Zee 🌈👑 @EllaZee5]

and vice versa

[Shrek but Irish @IamPhartacus]

If I posted a thirst trap the caption would be "idk who needs to leer this but"

[🫖~Maxi Tea~☕️ @maxi_tea]

Piss your teenager off by asking them to confirm everything they say is legit.

[Join the Cult of Amy. We have cookies #BLM🏳️‍🌈🦈 @Froschauer_AF]

TOP 10 THINGS NOT TO SAY OUT LOUD

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[Koala: Fied to Party @ItsKoalaTeaTime]

@The_Fledglings @EllaZee5 Thanks! This made my day!😁

[The Fledglings Contest @The_Fledglings]

⚡️ FLEDGLINGS WINNER ⚡️

🏆 Congratulations @ItsKoalaTeaTime!

@EllaZee5 has chosen your tweet for recognition in this weekend’s contest for excellence in tweeting.

🏆 Winning Tweet: