Nellie Guthner

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

Told my son to clip his toenails. Just used his bathroom. Guess what's in his sink...

🤮😭🤮😭🤮😭🤮😭🤮😭🤮😭🤮😭

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

I bought an exercise bike yesterday so naturally today I'm sitting in my pajamas, eating cake...

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

I just realized how hilarious it is that I TWEETED you about this issue. Bwahahahahahahaha! This mishap has produced a plethora of poultry puns in our household.

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

@CardinalGames, your puzzle failed to produce the produce. Instead, what I got was fowl. I'm not sure how the wrong puzzle made it into the wrong box, but apparently it happens. Made for an extra challenge I guess.

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

@CardinalGames Sure. How do I contact you directly?

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

When you're talking suggestively to your husband, but end with BRO, BUD, UHHHHH....and then are forced to back out of the room before you make things more awkward...THAT'S when you know you've reached true martial bliss...or something.

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

You know when you pound a case of seltzer water faster than you used to pound a case of beer that you're closer to 40 than 20, or even 30...

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

E.T. is a prime example of why parents shouldn't take their kids on vacation.

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

I made dinner. Channeling Julia Child, I started with wine. Channeling myself, I ended with whine.

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

Kirby's entertainment. He also unrolled the T.P. in the bathroom, so he's had a full morning.

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

I was about a half second from cracking an egg into the toaster. How's your morning going?

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

Lily: Mom didn't love dad right away.
Mike: What?! Why not? Was he too hairy?
Me: *nearly drives off road due to uncontrolled laughter*

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

The elastic goes out on your undies and you realize just how much fabric is involved...if anyone needs a parachute or puptent, I'm your gal.

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

But by the grace of God I noticed the bathroom was out of T. P. BEFORE I used it.....BUTT by the grace of God HA HA HA! I crack myself up!

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

@atlantafalconsbirdlady

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

@JenHatmaker, this is my first year with your Olympic commentary. In 4 years I look forward to gold medal snort-laughing all over again.

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

@Jason_Guthner, if you beat us home: There hasn't been a struggle, a bomb hasn't gone off, kids= tornados in cute outfits, I love you!

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

Son: If I drink soap can I fart bubbles?

Me: No, but it will make you poop and not feel good. Don't do it

Yeah, he totally drank soap.

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

I wish bathrooms were like Vegas. Everything that happens in the bathroom stays in the bathroom. #we'reallgonnadie #5lbpoopbaby #lightamatch

[Nellie Guthner @JOMAMASAYZ]

Confession: Sometimes I wear lipstick before going to bed. It's a lot easier to feel beautiful while unconscious than it is while awake.