Jacob Rutz

I'm not the hero Twitter wants, I'm the hero Twitter needs. 7th grade Field Day Softball Throw Champion

[Jacob Rutz @JacobRutz]

*The Phantom Menace but with only Jar Jar Binks scenes*

[Jacob Rutz @JacobRutz]

Imagine you get called in for jury duty and it’s just Nicholás Maduro

[Jacob Rutz @JacobRutz]

Transformers 1 and 2 are top tier movies and nobody can tell me otherwise.

[Jacob Rutz @JacobRutz]

@Trigrumps No lie, that’s exactly what brought this thought on. Could they throw any more divorced couples into that movie?

[Jacob Rutz @JacobRutz]

Is it really a disaster movie without a divorced couple, a new rich step dad, and the rekindling of a family along the way?

[Jacob Rutz @JacobRutz]

It’s been a while since I’ve visited Instagram. But after 5 minutes on my discover page, I now know how to align my chakras, channel my inner vibrations, and summon storms by talking to trees.

Boy does Instagram really know it’s audience.

[Jacob Rutz @JacobRutz]

It’s like the one thing I don’t mind my tax money going towards.

[Jacob Rutz @JacobRutz]

Why don’t politicians emphasize improving infrastructure? I’d easily vote for someone who effectively puts forwards a plan to evolve transportation.

[Jacob Rutz @JacobRutz]

@dylan_thomas16 I get probably 4 or 5 a day. At this point, I’ll just vote for the person who texts me less.

[Jacob Rutz @JacobRutz]

I just want the election to be over so I can stop receiving so many text messages.

[Jacob Rutz @JacobRutz]

“Are you artistic?”

I ask from across the room, unaware that I should really emphasize my “R”s.

[Jacob Rutz @JacobRutz]

I see the Ray-Ban scam is making a nice little comeback in 2020.

[Jacob Rutz @JacobRutz]

Who should I vote for?

[CNN @CNN]

A surprising new study found that the controversial antimalarial drug hydroxychloroquine helped Covid-19 patients better survive in the hospital.
https://t.co/j6zs4SI2Su

[Jacob Rutz @JacobRutz]

@ash_k_dash That’s understandable. It just stems from what we think the role of government should be. In my mind, the government shouldn’t intervene. I also don’t think the government should mandate evacuations or have a draft.

[Jacob Rutz @JacobRutz]

@tallguyntheback Catch That Kid and don’t you ever forget a cinematic masterpiece like that again.

[Jacob Rutz @JacobRutz]

This is like the 12th time this has happened. Moe’s would never.

[AJ+ @ajplus]

Chipotle will pay a record $25 million in fines for serving tainted food that left 1,100 people sick — the largest food safety fine ever paid in the U.S.

The company has admitted to poor safety practices, and will avoid conviction by starting a better food handling program.

[Jacob Rutz @JacobRutz]

@Ant_Marinakis Lmao, thanks for the input

[Jacob Rutz @JacobRutz]

Oh man, good thing the WHO is on the case. This virus had me worried for a second.

[World Health Organization (WHO) @WHO]

Preliminary investigations conducted by the Chinese authorities have found no clear evidence of human-to-human transmission of the novel #coronavirus (2019-nCoV) identified in #Wuhan, #China🇨🇳.

[Jacob Rutz @JacobRutz]

@XannibalLecter That’s what I’m saying. I saw someone complaining about it and realized people don’t just do it themselves.