Tyler Jaegers

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

PREGNANT
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy,
the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any
regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty
easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while
now...
Just before lying down on the bed, she
glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the
floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled
with hopeless desire...
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the
top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill,
and gives it to him, "Awww, my honey is so
depressed... here, take this and go to the woman next
door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and
remember that this happens only once... ok?... don't
think about it again."
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but
afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the
money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he
returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with
much disappointment,
"She said this is not enough, she wants sixty."
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger,
"Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant and her
husband came over here... I only charged him
fifty..."

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

Jellyfish fiasco: So when I was like 9 I went to this aquarium thing and it was a pretty amusing trip overall. But then suddenly I just kind of saw these jellyfish without any tentacles floating around in the water and was like “oh cool.”

The next day at school, the teacher asked us what we had done over the weekend. Now normally I never raise my hand. But I did this time. I fucking did it this time. The worst possible time. So I raised my hand and everyone was obviously shocked to see my hand up in the air so the teacher said “yes?”

and after confirming the fact that she picked me I said

“I saw this jelly fish in the aquarium and I thought it was really cool because it didn’t have any -testacles-.” and then like the classroom just emerged with so much laughter and I had no clue what was going on so I pleaded my friend to explain what was so funny I mean even THE TEACHER WAS LAUGHING AND I WAS GOING WTF.

So eventually my friend explained to me (it literally took 2 hours of convincing) and then ofc I was pretty embarrassed but the thing is the fucking teacher then asked me if she could tell this to the other teachers and that’s the story of how I switched schools.

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

Mistake?
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks
her very nicely if she could see her license. She replied
in a huff.
“ I wish you guys could get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you.

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

Awful word
A young couple gets married, goes on a cruise for their
honeymoon. Back from the honeymoon, the bride
immediately calls her mother.
“Well, darling,” says her mom, “how was th
honeymoon?”
“ Oh, mother,” the girl replies, “ the honeymoon was
wonderful! So romantic. We had a terrific time. But as
soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible
language. Stuff I’d never heard before; really terrible
words. You’ve got to come and get me and take me
home. PLEASE, mother!”
And the bride begins to sob all over again.
“Poor darling,” says the mother. “ What words?”
“ I can’t tell you, mother – they’re too awful. Come and
get me, please!”
“ Darling daughter,” the mother continues. “ You must
tell me what has you so upset. Tell mother. What were
the words?”
Still sobbing, the bride says, “Words like ‘dust’, ‘wash’,
‘iron’, and ‘ cook’!”

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

Isn't any goal the same?
A new trainer was giving his first lecture to a Young
Pioneers Football Team. He admonished a young
player:
- Why did you kick the ball into your own team\'s goal?
Can\'t you distinguish your own goal from the goal of
the other team?
The young player was astonished:
- Uh, Sir! I thought it would be all right if I kicked the
ball into any goal. If you kick the ball into the goal, you
win, don\'t you?

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

3. Ghost
A visiting professor at Cardiff University is giving a
seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his
audience, he asks: "How many people here believe
in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who
believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever
seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this
seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?
15 students raise their hands. "That's a great
response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic.
But let me ask you one question further.....Have any
of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in
the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished.
He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says,
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no
one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your
experience." The redneck student replies with a nod
and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the
podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's
like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies,
"Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you
said 'goats'!"

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

Duck
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any
duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for
it so we don't carry it."
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed
store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk
says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks,
"Got any duck feed?"
The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have
duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never
will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail
your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any
nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

Smart Irishman
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after
a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy
examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye
and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have
cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks
to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the
news, but of solid character, managed to compose
himself and walk from the doctor's office into the
waiting room. There he saw his son who had been
waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when
things are good and celebrate when things don't go
so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have
cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's
head for the pub and have a few pints." After three
or four pints the two were feeling a little less
somber. There were some laughs and more beers.
They were eventually approached by some of
Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were
celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish
celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell
them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to
live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The
friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had
a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's
son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you
said that you were dying from cancer. You just told
your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just
don't want any of them sleeping with your mother
after I'm gone."

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

Pick That Up!
A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to
do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't
imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am
always going around the house organizing things."
The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week
after we were married I told my husband firmly,
'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you
are done and put back in its place.'" The first woman
asked, "Did it help?" Her friend said, "I don't know.
I haven't seen him since."

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

WHY ARE MEN PROUD OF THEMSELVES?
1. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
2. We can open all our own jars
3. We can leave a motel bed unmade
4. We can kill our own food
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves
6. If someone forgets to invite us to something they
can still be our friends
7. If you are 34 and single nobody notices
8. Everything on our faces stays the original color
9. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
10. Car mechanics tell us the truth
11. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a
friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad
at me."
12. Same work-more pay
13. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
14. We can drop by to see a friend without having to
bring a little gift
15. If another guy shows up at a party in the same
outfit
you just might become lifelong friends
16. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our
clothes
17. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe
decades
18. We don't have to shave below the neck
19. A few belches are expected and tolerated
20. Our belly usually hides our big hips
21. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all
seasons
22. We can do our nails with a pocketknife
23. We have freedom of choice concerning growing
a mustache
24. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25
people on the day before Christmas and in 45
minutes

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

I’M AFRAID …
A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an
expensive restaurant and topped it off with some
Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the
headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly,
"how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here
and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me
thrown into the gutter like a common bum?"
"I'm very sorry sir." began the contrite
headwaiter.
"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but
I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

PLUNGING 12 FLOORS IN … THREE HOURS
A man who had never been late for work in 40 years
arrived one morning at 11.30. The boss glared and
demanded to know where he'd been.
The employee said, "I had a giddy turn this
morning and fell through a window in my flat. I
plunged 12 floors and landed in a swimming pool."
"And that took you three hours?" roared the
boss.

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

TROUBLE MAKERS …
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two
brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly
mischievous. Whenever something went wrong in
the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control
them. Hearing about a minister nearby who worked
with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the
father that they ask the minister to talk with the
boys. The father agreed.
The mother went to the minister and made her
request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the
younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him
to the minister. The minister sat the boy down on the
other side of his huge, impressive desk. For about
five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.
Finally, the minister pointed his forefinger at the boy
and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the
room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the minister pointed at the boy and
asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the minister
leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger
almost to the boy's nose, and asked "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding
his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their
room and into the closet, where they usually plotted
their mischief. He finally said, "We are in B-I-I-I-IG trouble now!"
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, B-I-I-I-IG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think
we did it."

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

THE GIFTS ...
Three sons left home, went out on their own and
prospered. Getting back together they discussed gifts
they were able to give their elderly mother. The first
said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with
a driver."
The third smiled and said, "Ha, I got you both beat.
Remember how mother loved to read the Bible?
And you know that she can't see very well? Well, I
sent her an amazing parrot that recites the entire
Bible. It took Church elders 14 years to teach him.
Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the
parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Adam," she wrote one son, "The house you built is
so big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean
the whole house."
"Jon," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel
and stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the
Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Gerald," she wrote to her third son, "You
have the good sense to know what your mother
likes. The chicken was absolutely delicious..."

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy,
the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any
regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty
easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while
now...
Just before lying down on the bed, she
glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the
floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled
with hopeless desire...
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the
top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill,
and gives it to him, "Awww, my honey is so
depressed... here, take this and go to the woman next
door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and
remember that this happens only once... ok?... don't
think about it again."
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but
afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the
money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he
returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with
much disappointment,
"She said this is not enough, she wants sixty."
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger,
"Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant and her
husband came over here... I only charged him
fifty..."

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

Love grows by giving. The love we give away is the only love we keep.

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. — Soren Kierkegaard

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

A great lover is not one who loves many, but one who loves one woman for life.

[Tyler Jaegers @Jaegs56]

The Talkative Watermelon (Part 5):Why did the watermelon start a book club again? It had seeds of wisdom to share and loved juicy discussions, hoping to turn the page on new adventures!