James Andrews

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

Why dont you make like a tree & get slammed into by my drunk uncle on Halloween ‘97 why didnt you call a cab Uncle Gary we miss you so much

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

I was so angry when I found my wife's profile on a dating website. That lying bitch isn't “fun to be around”.

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

'I hope they bought enough beer so they won't notice how much I'm drinking'

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it's dead friends in your hand.

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

I'm glad the guy who came up with 'No means no' didn't do the whole dictionary

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

I bet black people whoooa this tweet is not starting off well

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do. then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

Imagine how slutty girls would dress if Halloween was in July.

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

I hurt my neck sleeping on a pillow that was too fluffy. My body is not meant for this world.

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first. but by the end I kinda liked it.

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

Pilot [on intercom]: You guys want to see a dead body?

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

Dear naps. Im sorry I was a jerk to you in kindergarten

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

The word 'cent' is from the Latin centum. meaning 'hundred' and later on meant 'hundredth part'

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

Who wants two tickets to the gun show? I bought the Groupon but can't make it :(

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

I know they don't recommend ibuprofen during pregnancy but I needed something for the hangovers.

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

When I lose faith in humanity. I think of Chilis just handing out sick. lightup beepers. trusting us to return them. And know what? We do.

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

Sorry about your street cred. black guys named Milton.

[James Andrews @James_Andrews__]

Whatever. low battery indicator. You're not the boss of