For anyone who may have the same problem, Experian did DM me to suggest an insane amount of effort on my part (different browsers/computers) in order to avoid giving me 5 minutes of their time. Thanks @ClarkHoward for publishing how to get past their phone system. All fixed now!
Hey @Experian I am trying to reach you. Your website is telling me I need to call. Your call center is telling me I need to use the website. What do I need to do to get a human? The other two agencies took five minutes each. This has been going on for two days.