jayare

[J. Mangual @MLBShotsFired]

Inflation is completely out of control, you can’t even take 3 kids to a Detroit Tigers game anymore without spending an arm and a leg! Crazy!

[Old Salty Marine @BamaSaltyMarine]

A trucker's wife sees 3 parrots for sale.
$170, $150 & $10.

She asks why the last parrot is so cheap.

The pet store owner said it used to live in a whore house.

The woman laughs & buys it.

She gets home the parrot says "a new whore house!"

The woman laughs...

When her 2 daughters come home, the parrot says "Dang!!! 2 new gals!"

They all laugh!

When her husband walks in door, the parrot says "Hi Joe! You found the new spot!"

And... that's how the fight started.

[Fesshole🧻 @fesshole]

Climbed Ben Nevis a few years ago. My daughter is disabled so couldn't join and asked for a stone from the summit, so I got her one. I forgot that her great uncle with arthritic knees had also asked for a stone from the top, so he got one from the car park.

[Wild Videos @FightStorage]

50 Cent's comment 😂

[🇨🇭🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿InLucysHead🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🇨🇭© @InsideLucysHead]

My nagging wife died suddenly on a trip to Jerusalem...

Funeral director: "Sir, it would cost about £45,000 if we send her home back to the UK or £500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem."

Me: "Ship her home."

Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money."

Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that risk."

[Paul Rees. ex Rucksack. @HannahIamthest1]

I was in Walmart today and ended up behind a grandfather with his very loud, very impatient grandson.

The kid was demanding candy, cookies — you name it — and making quite the scene.

Through it all, the granddad stayed calm, softly saying,
“Easy now, Ethan… we’ll be done soon, buddy.”

A few minutes later, another meltdown…
“Hang in there, Ethan… just a little longer,” he said, still cool as ever.

By the checkout, the kid was tossing things out of the cart, but the granddad didn’t raise his voice once.
“Alright, Ethan… relax now, we’re almost out of here,” he said gently.

I was honestly impressed, so I followed them out to the parking lot and said,
“Sir, I just wanted to say — you handled that amazingly. Staying that calm with little Ethan… that takes patience. He’s lucky to have you.”

The granddad smiled and said,
“Thanks… but I’m Ethan. That little b@stard's name is Tyler.” 😄

[🇨🇭🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿InLucysHead🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🇨🇭© @InsideLucysHead]

One morning, a rabbit walks into a butcher shop and says, 'Hello, sir. Do you have any carrots?'

The barber responds, 'Carrots? This is a butcher shop. We don't sell carrots here.'

'Oh', responds the rabbit, 'My apologies', and he hops out of the store.

The next day, the rabbit comes back. 'Helloooo. Do you have any carrots?'

'You're that rabbit from yesterday, aren't you? I already told you. This is a butcher shop. We don't sell carrots.'

'Ahh. Right.' The rabbit hops out again.

Day three comes around, and again the rabbit appears. 'Hiiiiiiiiiiiii. Do you have any carrots?'

'Look, mate, I've told you. This is a butcher shop. If you come back asking for more bleeding carrots, I'll nail your ears to the floor!'

'My ears, you say? Hmm, okay, thanks anyway.' The rabbit hops out.

Day four passes, and there's no rabbit. Day five and day six pass without any sign of the rabbit, either.

Day seven comes around, and suddenly, the rabbit reappears. 'Heeeeey. Do you have any nails?'

'....Nails? Of course I don't, you imbecile! This is a butcher shop!'

'Right. Got any carrots, then?'

[Mike Bales 🫡🇺🇸 @MikeBales]

A man goes to church and tells the priest,
"Father, I almost cheated on my wife."

The priest asks him,
"How do you almost cheat on your wife?"

The man says,
"Well, the woman and I were naked but we just rubbed against each other."

The priest looks at him disgusted and says,
"Rubbing is the same as putting it in. Never do it again. Say five Hail Marys and put $100 in the donation pan."

The next time the priest sees the man, he is infuriated.
"You didn't put $100 in the pan!"

The man looks at the priest disgusted and says,
"I rubbed the money against the pan, and rubbing is the same as putting it in."

[Mr PitBull Stories @MrPitbull07]

My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push.

She gave it everything she had, until a fart, that from sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was mortified.

"Don't worry," i said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn't that right nurse?"

"Yes," said the nurse gagging, "But it's usually the mother not the father!"

[6ɪx✦ @ok6ixx]

couple years ago, one night, i was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

[Clinton @614clinton]

When I graduated from high school my very first job was at a zoo. One morning, right before we opened, the only gorilla we had, died from old age.

The gorilla was one of their most popular attractions by far, and they couldn't afford to go without one. So, the zoo owner asked me if I'd wear a gorilla suit for an extra $100 a day, if I'd pretend to be the gorilla, until the zoo could get another one.

I said, “Sure why not.” A $100 dollars extra a day was a lot of money back then. It didn't take long for me to get the hang of it and I quickly became the most popular attraction at the zoo. People from all over the world came to see the gorilla. 

About a month in, the excitement started to wear off. So, to get the people's attention back, I decided to climb over the enclosure and hang from a rope above the lions' den.

A large crowd of people gathered watching the spectacle in shock and awe. Suddenly, I lost my grip and fell to the floor of the lion's den. I started screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly, a lion pounced on me and said, "SHUT-UP dude, you're going to get both of us fired.”

[Michael (Hedge Fund Manager) @HedgeFundFomo]

I hate my clients

[le.hl @0xleegenz]

You know it was a bad day at work when you get home and your phone battery is still at 95%

[6ɪx✦ @ok6ixx]

My mother once "threatened" to make my brother (6) and I (4) sleep outside of we didn't get our room cleaned up. So we decided that we should probably spend the rest of the day preparing to sleep outside because that would be WAY easier than cleaning our room. Our bright idea was to dig holes for us to sleep in so we could cover ourselves in leaves and sticks to act as blankets. So instead of my mom finding her sons cleaning their room, she found them digging their own graves in the back yard.

[🇺🇸 🦅Simple Man 🦅🇺🇸 @Soaringeagle45]

A man walks in and takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 beers.

After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 are finally empty he orders 3 more. The bartender, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste better if you order just one at a time.”

“Well”, says the man at the bar. “You see I have 2 brothers who I used to drink with, but unfortunately one moved to Canada and the other one moved to Australia. Now, we hardly ever see each other. So I drink a beer for me and 2 for my brothers. This way we at least try to keep this tradition alive and it feels like we’re still together.”

The bartender agrees that this is a beautiful explanation for his weird behavior and the man becomes a regular at his bar. The other customers also get used to his ritual of ordering 3 beers and drinking them in turn.

But then one day “Mister 3 Beers” comes in and orders only 2 beers. The whole bar gets silent and by the time the man orders a second round of only 2 beers, the bartender says: “I’m terribly sorry as I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I just wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The man looks puzzled, but then a smile breaks through and he says. “Thanks a lot, but everyone is fine really. It’s just that my wife had us join the Baptist church and I had to give up drinking. But my brothers are still Catholics, so it didn’t affect them.”

[NotKennyRogers @NotKennyRogers]

In 4th grade, I tried to fake being sick by holding up a thermometer to a lightbulb so I could stay home from school and watch Day 1 of the NCAA tournament.

To this day, I still can't believe my own mother made me go to class with a 156 degree temperature.

[JNS @_devJNS]

😭💀

[Sean Pendergast @SeanTPendergast]

Okay this one wins

[💗 @ma1ybe]

My aunt decided to prank her husband. She wrote a dramatic note that said, “I’m leaving you forever,” then hid under the table to watch his reaction. When he came home, he read the note, picked up his phone, and said, “Hey dear, that chick is gone. You can move into my house. I love you so much.” Then he walked out. A few minutes later my aunt crawled out from under the table, completely shocked, and picked up the note she had left. Underneath it, my uncle had written: “I saw your hands under the table, you dumbass. I’m going to buy garlic bread. Make lunch.😭😂

[NFL Rumors @nflrums]

🚨 #Falcons Kyle Pitts called out NFL players for not showing up for Rondale Moore’s funeral.

“Crazy how only about 6 maybe 7 of your teammates in the NFL showed up for you today smfh.. All that talk and fake emotion and nobody want to show up to lay you to rest.. Just at a loss of words.”