Jaymie Ellebracht

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

Your kid may be an honors student; but you're still an idiot.

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

Women may not hit harder; but they hit lower.

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

The sole purpose of a child's middle name; is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common "enemy".

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

The early bird might get the worm; but the second mouse gets the cheese.

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

The best way to lie is to tell the truth; carefully edited truth.

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

Never; under any circumstances; take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

Life's like a bird; it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

Join The Army; visit exotic places; meet strange people; then kill them.

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

[Jaymie Ellebracht @Jaymieuh9]

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".