Jeremy Schaftel

Comedian in New York/Jew from Baltimore. @BroadwayVideo, @cicgcshow, @LateNightSeth

[Jeremy Schaftel @JeremySchaftel]

All the Hantavirus coverage feels like really lazy television writing:
“Remember when we did the animal to human thing 6 years ago? Anything there we can reuse?”
“How about we replace the B with an R and say it came from that.”
—This season on pandemic

[Jeremy Schaftel @JeremySchaftel]

Hantavirus started because a dutch couple went bird watching at a dump before going on an expensive antarctic cruise ship. I’m pretty sure this is the “white plague”

[Jeremy Schaftel @JeremySchaftel]

What the hell is “consumer confidence”? How are they measuring everyone’s confidence?
“A shopper at Trader Joe’s didn’t break eye contact with a cashier…Call CNBC!…add it to the index”

[Scott Kacsmar @ScottKacsmar]

Never hated someone so much who was this funny.

[Jeremy Schaftel @JeremySchaftel]

“Who could’ve predicted this?” Said one recently fired correspondents dinner mentalist

[Jeremy Schaftel @JeremySchaftel]

Like most american high school proms, an active shooter at nerd prom literally changed nothing #correspondentsdinner

[Jeremy Schaftel @JeremySchaftel]

Congratulations to whoever made $200,000 on Kalshi delaying the correspondents dinner

[Jeremy Schaftel @JeremySchaftel]

How long will it take trump to blame Biden for the correspondents dinner evac? 5…6 minutes?

[Jeremy Schaftel @JeremySchaftel]

Some public bathrooms make me feel like I need to do a reddit ‘ask me anything’ before returning back to society

[Jeremy Schaftel @JeremySchaftel]

@TMZ Nice Mogshot

[Jeremy Schaftel @JeremySchaftel]

I can’t believe #Banksy and I were in the same bowling league in 1998

[Jeremy Schaftel @JeremySchaftel]

Why do all the fast food CEOs eat like they were homeschooled?

#McDonalds #burgerking

[Jeremy Schaftel @JeremySchaftel]

After doing stand-up, I’m convinced microphones do more to amplify mental illness than the sound of my voice

[Jeremy Schaftel @JeremySchaftel]

Hopefully Trump got all the WMDs…I mean “Nuclear Facilities”

[Jeremy Schaftel @JeremySchaftel]

Something tells me there’s an easier way to kill an 86 year old

#Iran #Khamenei

[Jeremy Schaftel @JeremySchaftel]

Later, at the afterparty, i’m shmoozing with the BAFTA producers. I ask them if they’ll actually televise 20 minutes of celebrities screaming the N word. Not only did they assure me it would be left in, it would be the highlight of their careers.

[Jeremy Schaftel @JeremySchaftel]

I was at the BAFTA’s. After John Davidson shouted the N word, there was a deafening silence. The room was at a standstill. What now? Then, Teyana Taylor stands up, clears her throat, and yells out the N word. I’m in shock. Seconds later, Paul Mescal rises in solidarity, and…

[Jeremy Schaftel @JeremySchaftel]

A tear rolls down John Davidson’s face. He can’t believe the support he’s receiving from the titans of showbusiness. By the end of the broadcast, everyone at the BAFTA’s had said the N Word and it was hollywood’s most unifying display of compassion since the 2020’s imagine video.

[Jeremy Schaftel @JeremySchaftel]

The olympics should call skeleton bobsledding, the marital sex simulator cause all you’re really doing is laying there and hoping for the best