Bitch Mittens

My OCD is adorable. Grandma tweets.

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

If I had a dollar for every dead baby bunny I scooped out of my pool today, I’d have three dollars. :(

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

I checked my dog’s phone and her camera roll was full of pictures of me sleeping.

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

My kingdom for a quiet tape gun.

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

Giving out @Arbys streak nuggets to trick-or-treaters this year.

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

Imagine how fuckin’ weird Michael Jackson’s face would have looked had he lived to be 67.

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

A lot of you desperately need to go outside and touch some fuckin’ grass.

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

@MikeWasBad 1. Sugar
2. You’re too old to be toasting a Pop Tart

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

@MikeWasBad We did it we did all the raisin and grape jokes

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

@imcorinnemec Ok but can I come organize the shelves though because this is giving me anxiety.

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

@Qu_Estique Why the hell wouldn’t you use something like, oh I don’t know, Microsoft Excel, to generate this? 😂

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

The local 6 o’clock news is just an hour long commercial for the 10 o’clock news.

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

This is like having to choose your favorite cat turd from the litter box.

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

@SteveSuckington I think it depends how old you were when you saw it.

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

@MikeWasBad People who leave out entire words and don’t proofread their tweets?

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

@MikeWasBad How dare you ignore me, I know where your cats live.

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

@MikeWasBad This is so stupid, they’d obviously be called Jants™️

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

Weird as shit to watch AI already replacing history with fudged images and made up news on the interwebz. Super glad I still have this trusty set of Encyclopedias.

[Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle]

My cat is always so interested in things that are just absolutely none of her dang business.

[zou bisou bisou where are you @lilgrapefruits]

It’s so important that your boss is a little bit scared of you