Joe Inglund

White Lines Make The Times.... Sneezing Since 1989

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

My cousin's a lazy bastard - sits around all day doing fuck all, drinking, surfing the internet for porn.

I wish I had an office job too!

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

Statistically 9/11 Americans won't get this.

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

A man was walking through the graveyard, he saw another man crouching behind a grave.

Man: "Morning!"

other man: "No, just having a shit"

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

I've just seen the clearasil advert where the lad asks to borrow the girls lipstick.
I use the same tactic with tampons

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

A young man was killed in London today when the sign outside a betting shop fell on him.

Lad's broke.

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

273.8

I hear that One Direction have been banned from having sex when on tour.
They have to sleep in different bedrooms.

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

Kids have got it easy today. When I was a lad, we'd never heard of paedophiles, so we had to buy our own fucking sweets!

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

A lad in my school invented the gazebo.

Never knew his name though, he lived a very sheltered life.

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.
He says, "This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up. "It's a fucking what?"

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

My six year old was caught looking up girls skirts at school.

But he got the pictures. Good lad.

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

Kids today!

My lad, "Can we go to McDonalds?"

I said, "You can if you can spell it."

He replied, "Fuck it, can we go to KFC instead?"

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

The woman that just drove past me on the motorway was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed.

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

I won the Young Scientist Of The Year in 1986.

Nice little lad, I keep him in the loft.

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

Apparently Jesus didn't have a name until some lad saw him walking on water...

[Joe Inglund @JoeInglund]

My son Cocacola no longer feels so special amongst the other kids.