Joseph Gonzalez

On cold days a man can see his breath, on a hot day he can't. On both occasions, the man breathes.

[McSweeney's @mcsweeneys]

"The things they carried included a Spikeball set, a volleyball, 96 Twisted Teas, Jeep keys on a lanyard, 29 Deer Park 16.9-ounce water bottles, iced coffee, beach chairs, and a bluetooth speaker."
https://t.co/5TBnHd3VNI

[ShitMyReviewersSay @YourPaperSucks]

'This paper is desperate. Please reject it completely and then block the author's email ID so they can't use the online system in the future.'

[ShitMyStudentsWrite @shitmy_students]

Some people can’t even decide takeout places let alone who to save and who to die. Putting that kind of pressure on a human race that has been pre-determined to take care of themselves over their fellow man is Ludacris

[ShitMyReviewersSay @YourPaperSucks]

“This paper is absolutely ridiculous. It shouldn't be published anywhere and the author should not be encouraged to revise"

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Report: This Not A Gun https://t.co/FFgwpmGBJb

[The Millions @The_Millions]

"Anna Karenina clearly has borderline personality disorder, Holden Caulfield seems to have been abused as a child, Mrs. Dalloway could have benefited from Prozac." In defense of fictional conflict, psychological and otherwise: https://t.co/oZIMDM8v8S

[The Onion @TheOnion]

.@BetsyDeVosED: "It’s not the role of the federal government to step in and dictate whether firearms in the classroom are the right choice for any one specific shooter." https://t.co/tsihZPQ5iI

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Betsy DeVos Argues Issue Of Guns In Schools Should Be Fully Left Up To Individual Shooters https://t.co/VhUWB9L9f0

[Joseph Gonzalez @JoetGonzalez]

"Time travels at different speeds for different people. I can tell you who time strolls for, who it trots for, who it gallops for, and who it stops cold for."

[McSweeney's @mcsweeneys]

- Apply mindfulness and restorative justice in my classroom.

- Unlock my gun, you know, just in case.

- Console a student related to a break-up or cyberbullying.

https://t.co/thPN5fOTT2

[McSweeney's @mcsweeneys]

"Explain how exercising the right to own and carry arms can reduce social anxiety for young people like Holden." https://t.co/adibJ6rJjI

[The Onion @TheOnion]

New School Shooter Drill Includes Practicing Pleas To Lawmakers To Do Something About This https://t.co/VjXQ0HgaNb

[Chabeli Carrazana @ChabeliC_]

While hiding in a bathroom for two hours, this is the text Sarah Crescitelli sent her parents. Dad and Mom both crying re-reading it. #stonemanshooting @

[Joseph Gonzalez @JoetGonzalez]

List: Things That Begin a Sentence That Indicate You May Need to Refrain From Finishing That Sentence - McSweeney’s Internet Tendency https://t.co/Z5srFc5AVz

[Goodreads @goodreads]

In honor of #WinnieThePoohDay, here are '12 Most Beloved A.A. Milne Quotes to Take You Back to the Hundred Acre Wood' : https://t.co/GWQ0aAYVqg

[Joseph Gonzalez @JoetGonzalez]

List: Existentialist Philosopher or Tenth Grade Student Just Informed They Can No Longer Bring Their Phone to My Class? - McSweeney’s Internet Tendency https://t.co/WgtLagBQMk

[Chaucer Doth Tweet @LeVostreGC]

Welcome the wanderir;
Shelter those yn neede;
Helpe ech othir thrive and growe;
These are the bravest deedes.

[McSweeney's @mcsweeneys]

"Semicolons subbed in for any punctuation except their actual use." [Check] https://t.co/dhhvQbMfGe

[Joseph Gonzalez @JoetGonzalez]

"This let him know, / Lest, wilfully transgressing, he pretend / Surprisal, unadmonished, unforewarned.”/ So spake the Eternal Father, and fulfilled / All justice.

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Exit From Apartment Delayed 20 Seconds To Avoid Pleasantries With Neighbor https://t.co/KC0U101RJu