John Higgins

These pretzels are making me thirsty

[Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau]

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

3 straight misses chef. These appear to be French fries.

[NEXTA @nexta_tv]

A Chinese robot wearing a clown wig kicked a child in the stomach.

[John Higgins @JohnnyQuayle]

@citizenkawala What song do you think was his best vocal performance? Any of his bands.

[John Higgins @JohnnyQuayle]

@citizenkawala Correct Benny!

[fredesque @FredTaming]

the head kept growing the more he thought about it

[Robert Wilkinson @robertwlk]

If I could change the colour of just one dwarf, I would dye Happy.

[Jim Gardner-Johnson @DatDudeJD]

BAR OWNER: “You’re OK at making drinks, but are you good at changing the channel on a TV?”

BARTENDER INTERVIEWEE: “I am the literal worst channel changer of all time.”

BAR OWNER: “You start tomorrow.”

[Guitarzan @gguitarzan]

So a man was found murdered,the police asked his 2 friends some questions,they said they didn't know much about him other than he had 2 assholes. The officer asked how do you know that? 1 friend said because when we hung out,someone would say,here comes Bob with the 2 assholes👀

[The Lobster @LikeableLobster]

Switzerland will be spared.

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

Cocker Spaniel would be an awesome porn name.

[John Higgins @JohnnyQuayle]

@Ade780 I’m already nervous about the game. They haven’t exactly been stellar at home. Hopefully they bring it tomorrow night

[peach 🍑🇵🇸 @peachontwitta]

the person who named skunks hit the nail on the head with that

[John Higgins @JohnnyQuayle]

@peachontwitta I apologize but I have no idea what I’m looking at here lol. Sorry 🤷‍♂️

[John Higgins @JohnnyQuayle]

@Buffalojilll He gave you a black eye with his knee during a blow job? That makes me want to ask so many questions hahaha

[x - A a r o n @23sabres]

Norris Finalist Rasmus Dahlin tonight:

1G 🚨
4A 👀
2 PIM (bad call)🙏
+4 📈
5v5 xG share of 83% (it goes that high?)
Elite pest drew 4PIM 😎

Will the NHLs most feel good story win the Norris? 👀

[🇨🇭🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿InLucysHead🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🇨🇭© @InsideLucysHead]

A man walks into a barber shop and looks at the barber...

He says, “How long until I can get a haircut?”

The barber looks around his shop and then says, “Three hours.”

The man says okay and then leaves.

Three hours go by, and he doesn’t come back.

A few days later, the man is back at the barber shop.

He asks, “How long until I can get a haircut?”

The barber looks around and says, “About two and a half hours.” The man nods and then leaves, and he doesn’t come back.

The man does this for a while.

One day, he comes in again and asks, “How long until I can get a haircut?”

The barber, a bit hesitant, says, “About an hour, you can chill here if you want.”

The man shakes his head and says, “It’s okay. I’ll be back,” and he leaves.

The barber looks at one of his friends and says, “Follow that guy. I wanna know what he’s doing.”

The friend nods and follows the stranger.

When the friend gets back, he’s laughing.

The barber says, “Where did he go?”

The friend says, “To your house.”

[Genius @Genius]

what’s the greatest opening line to a song?

[John Higgins @JohnnyQuayle]

@Genius Birds fall from the window ledge above mine then they flap their wings at the last second

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

Who’s holding the camera?