John Donovan

person

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

I love coffee because it gives me the energy I need to shit my brains out

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

Me, legitimately trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

You, ignoring my reasonable concern for your car’s wellbeing.

[FranceNews24 @FranceNews24]

📹 VIDÉO - #Insolite : Pendant la coupe des griffes, une marmotte semble avoir déjà accepté son destin… tandis que l’autre panique à chaque coup de coupe. Une scène aussi drôle que totalement théâtrale.

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

It’s 2027. Gas is 5 shrunken skulls a gallon. You’re stuck in traffic going to the ruins of yankee stadium to watch radioactive chickens fight. The podcast you’re listening to announces that a 3rd child has become trans this year. You’re furious. It was all worth it.

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

Been getting into baggier fits recently. Where is the best place to buy magnum condoms?

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

Every year my family watches football, does a turkey trot, and fights over who gets to eat the Turkey’s penis 💕🦃

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

@robbyleon13 @elirallo You dropped this. 👑

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

I’ve been cancelled. See my story.

https://t.co/OVvxlAkM0G

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

Twitter is dead. Follow me on Instagram where I am trying to set the record for stupidest video

https://t.co/78HAnQiwU8

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

Some of my friends are having kids and I just googled if there is kibble for humans

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

If Jeff Bezos’s rocket explodes, does that impact the delivery of my rice cooker I ordered from Amazon?

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

It’s cool that me and Bo Burnham had pretty much the same quarantine experience except in the end he triumphantly returned to comedy and I triumphantly returned to regular life by quitting comedy.

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

@hungus5000tron It’s prob allergies. Pending test.

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

Can you get covid from sharing an HBO login? If so, I have bad news for 400 of my friends.

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

People told me to follow my dreams but how am I supposed to be chased through hell by an army of talking horses

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

Biden just announced that starting in August we no longer have to use condoms

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

It’s been cool having the worst year of my life and looking up at the moon and realizing you are all looking up at the same moon and having the worst year of your life.

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

Lady Gaga’s dog walker got shot and two of her dogs were stolen. And she is offering half a million for the dogs “no questions asked.” If I was the dog walker I would like to ask at least one question

[CNN @CNN]

Lady Gaga's dog walker was shot and her two French bulldogs, Koji and Gustav, were stolen Wednesday night in Hollywood, a source close to the singer says. https://t.co/kjgZRhJ5oD

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

I’d like my gravestone to say

“If this doesn’t get at least 20 likes I’m taking it down.”

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

I’m bored of staying home. Life before the pandemic was so much better. I got to be depressed in SO MANY MORE LOCATIONS

[John Donovan @Johnuhvan]

@notthatcheney @robbyleon13 @peter_revello I bought an ad in the pennysaver