Àgbà John Doe

Man, Husband, Father, Uncle. C-in-C of Àgbàfians.

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[Àgbà John Doe @jon_d_doe]

My tweets may be very unpopular, but when you read through and think deep, they'll resonate with you. I can't guarantee if you'll like my tweets. But I'll tweet them regardless.

[NneChukwu! @Okeke_Uz]

In 1993, mgbe anyị gbara ọsọ Abiola. My dad dropped us off in the village and drove back to Lagos to look after the house.

My sweet late grandpa was so excited to have us safe with him and decided to spoil us. He used to be the best palmwine tapper in the village, so we always had more than enough stored in his calabash.

The first time he brought edible maggots, we roasted them as we fried garri, salted them and ate with palm wine. It was heavenly.

So one fateful day he came back with a weird looking animal. It looked like a monkey but had very big eyes.

They called it Ikiri.

My eyeballs were quite big and bumpy that they normally teased me with the name ịkiri. I didn't know what it was till that night Grandpa brought it home.

He told my mum to make pepper soup with it. She did. And we ate together in our Obi.

At about 11pm my whole system changed. I started to throw up. It happened so fast, like magic.

Before you knew it I lost consciousness. My mum said she had to set drips on me one after another. I was unconscious for days. My dad drove down immediately he heard the news.

I was taken to the hospital yet nothing. They went places, asked questions but answers weren't clear. After about 9 days, I regained consciousness.

My mum cried her heart out. Till today, I can't explain what happened.

But they said one very old woman who came while I was off reassured them that I'd be okay but I should never eat that animal again.

[Àgbà John Doe @jon_d_doe]

If your brother's wife is younger than you and you're still single, then you say you want to live with your brother because you do not have a place to stay.

You are looking for trouble.

And if his wife disrespects you in anyways, you deserve it.

End.

[Mike Cavanaugh @mikecavmusic]

Repeal the 19th Amendment today
(If Lindsay Clancy walks away)

[Àgbà John Doe @jon_d_doe]

Please read and advise him 👇.

[Thatcuteteacher @Confydens6]

I went on a “solo date”.

After having a good personal time, it was time to go.

I took the wrong way and had to find my way out.

So I asked one of the security guys for direction.

He said…

“Okay, where did you park ma’am? Up or down way?

Dear Lord, is this a sign? 😩

[Àgbà John Doe @jon_d_doe]

No, men are kinder humans and carry more burdens than women.

And men built the world that you ungrateful women are enjoying.

Women are more evil.

That's why they murder their own kids.

[Jobs with Aramide @AramideOyekunle]

So men are below women on the chain right?

Since we can kill a whole lot of y’all.

[NneChukwu! @Okeke_Uz]

My sister-in-law carried me to an owambe in her area, and as usual, I don go talk pass myself. 😃

It was a table for 6, so we sat with 4 women who, from interactions, I got to know were her friends. Two were from her husband's side, and the other two were Yoruba women who have shops along her line.

As we were "jollying," some beautiful, expensively dressed women walked past us to where the celebrant was dancing, and the women took some suspicious looks at themselves.

One of the Igbo women now said, "See that one in yello gown, since her husband die she just dey glow."

"If na you nko? The man left a lot of money for her na. Houses and a supermarket." Said one of the Yoruba women.

They laughed so loud.

I could sense my sister-in-law's discomfort by the way she shrugged and bent her neck.

The other Igbo woman, looking at us, now said, "Na when husband die woman dey enjoy."

As my sister-in-law made to respond, I just cut in...

"If na when your husband die you go enjoy, why you never kill am?"

She snapped and said she wasn't talking to me.

"Oh! Okay. I think say na me. Na when my own husband dey alive I dey enjoy. Make una dey kill una own."

My sister-in-law just pinched my lap from under the table.

Imagine wishing death on your husband because you want to enjoy his wealth alone.

Dị ke na atọ ka mmanụ aṅụ.

[Àgbà John Doe @jon_d_doe]

Feminists are amongst the ugliest set of women.

[Ehizy @Ehimenpaul]

@jon_d_doe Feminism no go gree ooo🤣

[Àgbà John Doe @jon_d_doe]

Because evil and ungrateful women unalive them in many ways unspoken.

[Jobs with Aramide @AramideOyekunle]

And there are more women above 40 alive than men.

End.

[Àgbà John Doe @jon_d_doe]

There are more handsome and good-looking men above 40 than beautiful and good-looking women.

End.

[Thatcuteteacher @Confydens6]

Quote with a video of you singing.

Let’s gooo🌚 🎤

[Sunny Elem @ElemSunny]

Storytelling Family Drama… 😂

Before leaving home for an event, my wife said:

“Let’s take one quick family picture.”

I believed the word “quick.”

That was my only mistake.

First picture:

She said my son closed his eyes. She rejected it

Second:

My daughter said the angle made her forehead look like a billboard. 😂

Third:

My wife asked why nobody told her that her dress had folded.

Meanwhile, I had been smiling continuously for so long that my face was beginning to request overtime pay. 😂

After several pictures, my son and I were tired, hungry, and no longer excited about the family outing.

My son said, women self!

Mom: “What did you just say?”

Me: Praying that my son doesn’t respond.

Thank God, he did! 😅

Then my wife reviewed the photos and announced:

“The first one is actually the best.”

The first one! Seriously?

She posted it with the caption:

“My peaceful family. ❤️”

Madam, where was the peace?

Because I was there for the whole investigation. 😂

Why does taking one “quick” family photograph require more negotiations than a peace treaty?

If the first picture was the best, why did this family have to survive another 36 rounds before Madam discovered it? 😂

Madams in the house, why?

[Walter 🇳🇬 🇵🇭 🇨🇦 @gamerwalt]

Context dictates strategy.

What looks like unhinged drama on Western social media was actually standard asymmetric leverage for an older generation of women operating in low option environments.

It's not a moral endorsement... it's an audit of human dynamics.

You don't have to like the tactic to understand why it was built.

It just is!

[Àgbà John Doe @jon_d_doe]

This man get mind ooo 😂 😂 😂

[Jay Ademola @x_pricze]

@jon_d_doe They should be lucky that that X doesn't have this restriction

[Àgbà John Doe @jon_d_doe]

I agree that it's a milestone for them.

But when I have seen some of them many times, having opinions on things that they are very ignorant about, or going to insult people over their posts (especially older people), then they deserve the blocking.

[Peculiar Pearl @PeculiarpearlE]

@jon_d_doe You don’t want them to celebrate?
It’s a milestone for them

[Àgbà John Doe @jon_d_doe]

Some times, I may just be scrolling through my TL, and I come across posts from some X noise makers celebrating their 20th, 22nd, 24th, 25th birthdays, or they're celebrating their graduation day.

I'll just quietly block them.

People wey never even start life.

End.

[Àgbà John Doe @jon_d_doe]

And na Arsenal fan.

See as him face be like black and white mango.

[Rhemite_007 @rhemite_007]

@jon_d_doe Now please do another of this post And change it to the other way round and complete the screniro.
Cos am in such now .

[Àgbà John Doe @jon_d_doe]

@ihutuluv Get out of here.

[Àgbà John Doe @jon_d_doe]

Dear wives,

If you catch your husband cheating on you, you have the right to be angry.

But you don't have the right to cheat back.

This is what you may wish to do:

Before you confront him, make sure that you have prepared his meal.

Then you serve him.

Wait until he finishes the food.

Then you go sit close to him, rubbing his head and chest, gently.

Look straight into his eyes with a wicked smile.

"My darling husband, I see that you enjoyed the food. But I must tell you this: I was not happy with you when I was preparing the food, because you're cheating on me. Don't try to deny it because I have proof (don't tell him what proof you have). Please don't do it again. "

Kiss his forehead, pack the plates and go to bed or get busy with other things.

Your husband will be praying that you did not poison the food.

Do not confront him, and do not discuss it again, with him.

His conscience will continue to preeq him until he finds a way to apologise.

But do not expect him to say:

"My lovely wife, I am sorry that I cheated on you. I won't do it again."

As a wife, you should be able to recognize when your husband is apologizing without necessarily saying it verbatim.

I didn't write this post for you immature minds.

Or you holier than thous.

If the post no clear for your head, walka and pass.

That doesn't mean that you should not disagree.

Just disagree with sense and decorum.

End.