Zardozed Off

Je ne sais merde.

[Zardozed Off @JuanLikeHell]

First date:

*don't let her know you're a tyranosaurus, don't let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

[Tater 🍁🐾 @TrueTorontoGirl]

The correct way to fuck off is immediately.

[Fred Delicious 🍆 @Fred_Delicious]

internet cafes were stupid. "duhhh one bowl of internet please". ridiculous

[Juiblex @LordJuiblex]

All the vomit that you ever threw up is waiting for you in heaven. It wants to rejoin your body. God insists that this happen. Is it not glorious? Where are you going? Why are you running away from paradise?

[Spazio🇵🇸 @Spaziotwat]

*facing the wrong way at a cricket match*

“Ah, that’s better”

[having fun online. @factcheckingcuz]

fun prayers to “shoot up” to God:

• “Let me see your big face”

• “i bet your fingers are like giant sky sausages”

• “are scarecrows real?”

[seven ¢ @7_Cents]

“Your total is $6.03”

55 year olds: “Okay, here’s $21.03”

[Paul Rudnick @PaulRudnickNY]

Therapists now use this photo to ask patients: Is she smiling or screaming? Frozen robot or your Mom? Casual Corner mannequin or Soviet prison guard? Babadook or 58-year-old cheerleader? Carvel product or Little House bride? Laxative testimonial or Delta check-in?

[Spazio🇵🇸 @Spaziotwat]

Notice how the eye is subtly drawn to the end of my tweets

[Zardozed Off @JuanLikeHell]

@usasmitty HAHAHAHAHAHA...you said clt!

[Supes ♊🐈‍⬛ @usasmitty]

My new city is Charlotte, NC.
Airport abbreviation CLT. 👀
I'll be going now because I'm 3.

[Natty Lumpo @nattylumpo88]

Look, all I'm saying is if you're a TSA agent named Lido, you've got to expect a little impromptu Boz Scaggs riffing from a weary traveler once in a while. Not even a smile? The body cavity search was just lowdown.

[Natty Lumpo @nattylumpo88]

You can tell what kind of day it's going to be by the number of kayaks in the Whole Foods parking lot.

[Supes ♊🐈‍⬛ @usasmitty]

Leaf blowers are dumb.

[Zardozed Off @JuanLikeHell]

@Jake_Vig I can’t decide if this is making me hungry, horny, or nauseous and I’ve never been more confused in my life.

[Zardozed Off @JuanLikeHell]

@GrantTanaka Every. Damn. Time.

[Zardozed Off @JuanLikeHell]

@CyrusOMerican Watching the Jayden Smith Karate Kid movie again.

[Cyrus O’Merican @CyrusOMerican]

I recently discovered that I kinda like the Jayden Smith Karate Kid movie. What should my punishment be?

[Spazio🇵🇸 @Spaziotwat]

David Bowie's decision to die in 2016 doesn't seem so stupid now, does it?