Kate Rotz

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

[Kate Rotz @KateRotz]

Three swings and a fling you into the commons

[fredesque @FredTaming]

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

[Kate Rotz @KateRotz]

You know you’re true friends when you spend ten minutes discussing the different types of meows your cats have in re-enacting detail

[Kate Rotz @KateRotz]

The girl doing my pedicure asked if I paint and trim my own nails and when I said yes she said, quite savagely, yeah I can tell

[Kate Rotz @KateRotz]

My tweets have been on a steady decline ever since 2020.

I blame Covid for this decrease in my comedic day to day humor.

[Kate Rotz @KateRotz]

@LeeMurman @sarahjanejernig

[Kate Rotz @KateRotz]

*goes to a nice restaurant*
*slowly puts teeth into purse as server greets us, never breaking eye contact*

[Kate Rotz @KateRotz]

Just because you have a micropenis does not mean you’re required to rev your car engine 18 times upon arrival to your apartment

[Kate Rotz @KateRotz]

We love a good gas station bathroom that claims cleanliness is their priority, as a dead spider falls out of the tp dispenser onto the suspiciously crusty yellow-tinted floor

[Kate Rotz @KateRotz]

Today I spent five mins on the GED website before realizing I’m trying to study for the GRE, which is similar but also very different.

Okay Siri I get it I need to go back to school

[Kate Rotz @KateRotz]

New branding idea: women’s boxers called Fruit of the Womb

[Kate Rotz @KateRotz]

The teletubbies of nightmares

[Kate Rotz @KateRotz]

@megan_marquart SAIL

[Kate Rotz @KateRotz]

I don’t charge my husbands card but I did make him get this game on his phone too so I can play it on mine and his 😂

[Denise 'Hollywood' Salcedo @_denisesalcedo]

🤯🤯🤯 I made a boo boo....

For months I've been addicted to this home design game and I've been purchasing diamonds so I could play more.

Well I thought I was charging it to my card.....

I wasn't....

This whole time it was charging my fiancés card.

For months.

😬😬

[Kate Rotz @KateRotz]

Why do sharks get an entire week dedicated to them?

It seems really discriminatory towards dolphins

[Kate Rotz @KateRotz]

@Zac7Sparky you already know

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

I told my wife we could go out to eat absolutely anywhere she wanted.

She chose a Mexican restaurant so she could order queso.

Girls don't want to be wined and dined. They just want to eat their body weight in cheese.

[Kate Rotz @KateRotz]

For the longest time I thought gaslighting was just when your gas light turns to E and I was like why is this such a bad thing this happens to me on a frequent basis but I manage to make it to a pump with a single mile left in the tank but now I’m like oh yeah yikes 😕

[Kate Rotz @KateRotz]

@beansanddrums She does that to mine too so guess she loves us just the same 🤷🏻‍♀️