Keith Biscuit

Fun-loving former estate agent. Likes trains, buses and spreadsheets. Here for the banter.

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

@realDonaldTrump Fat cunt

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

Don’t say fuck or bugger this week, @TheMontyDon

[BBC Gardeners World @GWandShows]

As we head towards the #SummerSolstice, there's plenty to be getting on with in the garden. Join Monty and the team at the EARLIER time of 8.00pm tonight for your weekly guide on what to do 🙂🍅🌿 #GardenersWorld

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

Updated my Twitter biography because I live in a house now actually.

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

Might start a podcast. They tend to sound quite bantery. Who’s up for it?

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

Totally forgot I had Twitter. LOL. I am MENTAL.

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

Oh.

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

Just going out to vote.

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

Upgraded to wholewheat pasta #pushingtheboatout

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

I just accidentally said 'Good afternoon' to someone. This is barely hours after I woke up thinking it was Tuesday. I am MENTAL.

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

@thesamorrin My flat is quite cold but I can't put a jacket on because then I won't feel the benefit if I go outside.

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

@thesamorrin Not just yet, although I have moved from a 13 tog to a 9 tog blanket. #TotallyOutThere

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

@CalumMccreadie Hi

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

Just received a parcel with some Two Ronnies stamps on. Pure BANTER from @RoyalMail. I'm still laughing. #twostamps

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

Just accidentally said Good Morning to someone. It was so funny. I am a complete mental.

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

It's a TWO cups of coffee* day today. #thatmondaymorningfeeling

*decaffeinated

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

Pardon my French.

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

Just heard Lady Gaga for the first time. Am I right in thinking that I'm 'on the edge of glory' means 'about to spaff off everywhere'?

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

@davespinx Hi Keith I'm also called Keith* LOL hope you're well.

*LOL jks

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

@JamesJonnyRadio The Travelodge has a very bad reputation locally. They once sold me a smoked salmon bagel without any salmon. I was fuming.

[Keith Biscuit @KeithBiscuit]

@JamesJonnyRadio I can't drive. Besides which the public transport system in Basingstoke is really very good. Thanks for your concern. Keith