Dine N Dash

I rolled three Yahtzees in a row so now I'm a witch. Don't tell me what to do that's why I'm hiding in the first place.

[Dine N Dash @KerrstaPdot]

Me: don't breathe in my face when you're sick plz. Who's going to look after you if I get sick too
5yo: Ah you're not dead, you can do it

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

My co-worker almost died today. He doesn't know it, but he did.

[Tater 🍁 @TrueTorontoGirl]

I don't have an elf on the shelf but I do have a grouch on the couch.

[Kristen @Kica333]

If I’m being sarcastic with you I either like you or I can’t stand you. Good luck figuring out which one it is.

[Functionally Feral @FeralFerrell]

Of course I have my priorities in order. I didn’t say WHAT order.

[PTA_Patty @patty_pta]

Why take birth control when you can get married and become celibate?

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

The world sure could use some John Candy right about now.

[Dine N Dash @KerrstaPdot]

My 3yo just suggest I make ice cubes with wine and now I'm sure we're going to be the best of friends for life.

[Dine N Dash @KerrstaPdot]

When the tube of toothpaste looks empty, I know I have 2-4 weeks left to buy more

[Dine N Dash @KerrstaPdot]

The 3yo looks at me last night and says "Cheers ya hoe" and laughs maniacally, explaining why I buy my wine by the box.

[Dine N Dash @KerrstaPdot]

Just locked eyes with a stranger while shame eating tacos in my car in deserted parking lot.

[Dine N Dash @KerrstaPdot]

Eating secret tacos in my car when the people in the car beside me roll up, so I grab my phone to pretend I'm having a business lunch.

[Dine N Dash @KerrstaPdot]

@DanKCharnley That's just mac n squeege

[Cats Against Humanity™ @CatsVsHumanity]

Anxiety: We have so much to do

Depression: Let's just sleep instead

Insomnia: LOL

Stomach: Let's make nachos

Pain: I'm back bitches!

Body: We need to lay down

Bladder: Um, I've got some bad news

[Cats Against Humanity™ @CatsVsHumanity]

The human condition is basically just muttering "what the fuck" until you die.

[Abbie @AbbieEvansXO]

Drug dealer: if you're a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

[@DoubleD_momx3 @DoubleD_momx3]

IPA's are just pumpkin spice lattes for middle age white guys

[Mark Gilliland @markdgilliland]

I used to speak in tweets without even knowing it.

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

My boss just bought a new Mercedes ..... I'm so happy I could help him save up for that by not getting a raise.