Kory Ford

I enjoy cardigans, bird watching, buffets, Tony Bennet, cribbage, tennis, the 1940's, bowties and I appreciate comfortable shoes.

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

You guys remember when, if you wanted to know one stupid thing, you had to look that shit up in an encyclopedia and just hope they had an entry about it? Or else you had to look for entire books about it? That shit was cray, huh

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

It's been a long time since I've twittered. This place is different. Back in MY day, it was mostly dick jokes and limericks. It was a simpler time.

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

Nothing can spiral me into depression quicker than those positive affirmations people post on social media.

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

I'm not gonna google it because somebody probably already thought of this, but cracking up at your own jokes should be called laughterbating

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

I'm athletically gifted but super lazy in case you were wondering if I'm a huge piece of shit or not (I am)

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

In my experience, being too good at your job is usually a terrible idea.

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

Matt at my office thinks he's such hot shit. At least he knows he's shit though.

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

If you call something art, it's art.

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

Good thing I have facebook to see what the unemployed, trailer trash, illiterate ass peckerwood flunkies I grew up with think about politics

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

Dumb people never think they're dumb and rich people never think they're rich.

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

I don't wear glasses, I wear two monocles because I'm so fancy

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

When my kids act up in public, I pretend to get a call from Obama presenting me with a Presidential Medal of Freedom for not beating them

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

If you don't like jammies get the fuck outta my face

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

Cheap drugs, expensive cheese.

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

There are no synonyms for booger. That's fuckin crazy you guys.

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

"And here we have the Zeebledarf swing beast with shopping carts for eyes eating neon book beetles" - Surreal Estate Agent

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

Rolled up to the elementary cold bumping Boys In The Hood to pick up my 1st grader today and threw a peace sign at the room mom

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

@HelloGallo I played "Don't Call Me Nigger, Whitey" by Sly and the Family Stone to a similarly stone-faced bar full of young white people

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

Everything in moderation. Including moderation. Let's fuckin party

[Kory Ford @Kory_4d]

Today I got on an elevator that smelled like hot farts then two women got on at the next floor and now I have to live with that.