Luke Lockfeld

Sole Proprietor of Realness

[Luke Lockfeld @LLDABEAST]

You know what's not a thankless job? Bus driver, this guys been thanked the last 3 stops in a row

[Luke Lockfeld @LLDABEAST]

Watching a horror movie. We need to keep tabs on anyone who buys a chrome plated axe. Breh you’re not cutting firewood with that.

[Luke Lockfeld @LLDABEAST]

I fucked up and bought the clean version of “Lets Get Away” -@Tip . They literally censored the word butt. What kinda ol mormon ladies really bought the Trap Musik cd?? @iTunes swap me for the real song.

[Luke Lockfeld @LLDABEAST]

Tom Hanks is quarantined in Australia but he’s used to being stuck on an island

[Luke Lockfeld @LLDABEAST]

@KNBR @BJLaflin Big timah timerr, 🎶 🎵 Forty Ninerssss 🎶 🎵 @E40

[Luke Lockfeld @LLDABEAST]

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but they have Glocks. You’re welcome Hollywood

[Luke Lockfeld @LLDABEAST]

I know it’s knives but I call em butter knifes cuz they’re not sharp enough for the V

[Luke Lockfeld @LLDABEAST]

Couch surfing is a lot like regular surfing, but it’s a lot more important you don’t pee.

[Luke Lockfeld @LLDABEAST]

@RedZoneChannel is the cliff notes of football.

[Luke Lockfeld @LLDABEAST]

What if ostracized meant, turnt into an ostrich.

[Luke Lockfeld @LLDABEAST]

The real way to prevent a hangover is hose water sprayed in the mouthernly area

[🕺🤮B🔥K🚮🥂 @BenKolina]

....well I think this song is a rockadile crock of shit!

[Luke Lockfeld @LLDABEAST]

Next girl I see with their venmo on tinder I'm requesting $69

[Luke Lockfeld @LLDABEAST]

when I go to the liquor store with a friend and they apologize for my drunkenness and the clerk says "he's always like this" cmon man I usually keep it together

[Luke Lockfeld @LLDABEAST]

You don't need a card to start a tab? yeah the names faketab mcbrokeballs

[Luke Lockfeld @LLDABEAST]

I was briefly in the SF Chinese New Year Parade tonight when I really needed to cross the street and no cops were looking.

[Luke Lockfeld @LLDABEAST]

I got stood up tonight, by the audience!

[Justin @WayToGomes]

Going out to rehearse a new show concept with @LLDABEAST called Its Not A Show We're Just Fishing

[Luke Lockfeld @LLDABEAST]

An old guy just tried to pay 8 dollars with a check

[Luke Lockfeld @LLDABEAST]

I don't need a macaroni commercial shaming me for busting nuts fast

[Luke Lockfeld @LLDABEAST]

I got recognized for doing comedy tonight, a big break from getting recognized as the guy who's not allowed in.