LS

A box of biscuits, a box of mixed biscuits, and a biscuit mixer.

[LS @LStweeters]

“In 2020, I’m saying goodbye to all the toxic people and things in my life and focusing on ME. #toxic #newme #nye #2020”

- Crazy Girls

[LS @LStweeters]

Not my chair, not my problem. That’s what I say.

[LS @LStweeters]

Meringue is stupid. Who even likes it? What’s the point?

[LS @LStweeters]

The best thing about dogs is that they’re always down to party. It could be 3:30 am and they could be dead asleep. Pull out a tennis ball and they’ll wake up and enthusiastically play with you. Humans.... not so much.

[LS @LStweeters]

Trying to eat this bowl of chicken noodle soup while holding a fussy infant is harder than anything I’ve done in my entire life.

[Bob Heller @Bob_Heller]

A glimmer upon the ocean’s edge in the distance. You explore. It is a bottle. Rolled parchment inside, sun kissed and faded on the outside. On the inside? An exquisitely detailed, yet thoughtfully and artfully enhanced charcoal rendering of my dick and balls.

[LS @LStweeters]

New restaurant concept, it's called:
"Go Fork Yourself". It's the same as a regular restaurant except you bring your own fork. Think of the savings!

[LS @LStweeters]

When I'm playing God of War on PS4 people ask me 'arent you nervous'. The answer is no. The training just takes over.

[Bob Heller @Bob_Heller]

Asparagus pee smells horrible but tastes exactly the same as normal pee.

[LS @LStweeters]

Go ahead, buy Boardwalk and Park Place. Over-leverage yourself and become cash poor. You will never have enough capital to develop your real estate. Houses, UN-likely, hotels... LOL forget about it!

[LS @LStweeters]

The most interesting part of thinking of baby names is realizing how many people you hate.

[LS @LStweeters]

Opening a Comedy Club in Hawaii. Gonna call it “AloHaHaHa’s.” It’s hilarious already.

[LS @LStweeters]

Wearing a full 3 piece suit at midnight in Vegas is not cool fellas.

[LS @LStweeters]

TIP: When your girl is upset with you, just explain to her that she is being "hormonal". This oughta clear things right up.

[LS @LStweeters]

Proposed Amendment to the 1st Amendment:

Keep everything the same except using the word "Hubby" becomes illegal.

[Dopamine Darling @torrami]

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

[Morgan @_themadchatter]

Relationship status: Keep having to rewind Netflix cause I can't hear what's happening over my chewing.

[LS @LStweeters]

Who's winning the match Pop?

[Kendra Vaculin @kendravaculin]

i will bless you two times but by your third sneeze it is on you to pull yourself together i cant be responsible for you anymore

[LS @LStweeters]

Hey guys, friendly reminder to let your clocks automatically fall back an hour.