LeShonda Stevens

Moo, bitch. Get out the way.

[LeShonda Stevens @LeShondaStevens]

All I'm picturing right now is Jesus telling Grumpy Cat to cheer up she's in heaven and for the first time in her life, Grumpy smiles and they both walk off into sunny clouds.

[LeShonda Stevens @LeShondaStevens]

The Dominican Republic is totally safe as long as you don't eat or drink anything or remotely resemble David Ortiz.

[LeShonda Stevens @LeShondaStevens]

More like DIEminican RIPublic...

[LeShonda Stevens @LeShondaStevens]

I had diarrhea at work for the second Monday in a row apropos of nothing. Garfield ain't got shit on me.

[LeShonda Stevens @LeShondaStevens]

You want to get republicans to care about climate change? Remind them that the sun is what makes people black.

[LeShonda Stevens @LeShondaStevens]

I remember back when "toxic masculinity" was just another word for "semen".

[LeShonda Stevens @LeShondaStevens]

The best part of Goodwill bargain hunting is when I grab a random stranger and tell them it's not their fault then we hug and cry.

[LeShonda Stevens @LeShondaStevens]

I can't believe Dress Barn is closing. I guess people don't like to be compared to livestock when they're shopping for clothes.

[Tiredof_urshit @stankloaf]

Last week at work I went into the Men's Room & thought "Oh, someone spilled soup all over the toilet" followed by "Oh, that's not soup"

[Stanklin Blowsevelt @d_hammerhugs]

From the other room I thought dad was trying to have a conversation with his dog, but he was just on one of those bluetooth earpieces talking to some other dog.

[LeShonda Stevens @LeShondaStevens]

If you just keep talking about going to the gym you eventually burn enough calories talking about it that you don't actually have to go.

[LeShonda Stevens @LeShondaStevens]

I like to shit my pants at work on a Monday because things can only go up after that.

[LeShonda Stevens @LeShondaStevens]

I worked on wall street for ten years so I know what I'm talking about. It was a hot dog cart but still.

[LeShonda Stevens @LeShondaStevens]

Real talk, if you're a grown adult afraid of dolls there might be some unresolved issues in your past. It's a fucking doll. At least clowns occasionally murder people.

[LeShonda Stevens @LeShondaStevens]

I didn't go to the gym today but I did hold in diarrhea for an hour and boy did I work up a sweat!

[LeShonda Stevens @LeShondaStevens]

I don't use "baby wipes" after I shit. I use ADULT wipes. That's right, Lysol Lemon & Lime Blossom Disinfecting Wipes. #bigleagues #adulting #inflamedanus

[LeShonda Stevens @LeShondaStevens]

David Schwimmer look like Keanu Reeves with down syndrome.

[LeShonda Stevens @LeShondaStevens]

Jamie Lee Curtis doesn't need Activia yogurt when she has Michael Myers to scare the shit out of her.

[LeShonda Stevens @LeShondaStevens]

We need to move Thanksgiving to the summer that way you can just forget a turkey in your car out in the sun by accident and the shits already done.