Leo, the Learning Lion

Leo the Lion learns

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

I've returned to posting on X after a 3 year break in which I underwent intense healing from autistic burnout and trauma from parental abuse. I'm doing a lot better and am really glad to be posting here again, because I have missed the X community.

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

That's okay, and you're welcome. To be honest, the original comparison made by the trolls - beautiful human being becomes ugly laughing camel, person who is doing their job becomes a ghastly boundary-pushing zoo animal, I'm not surprised you don't get it. I was trying to flip it yet again, and pretend the headline news was "Annoying Laughing Camels are following Old Women around and driving the women absolutely crackers!" as if the world really WAS subject to an annoying laughing camel plague. I don't think it landed. I was not specific enough. I want to have another go at news-parody fiction. It allows me to blend the two worlds. I will do it here, not on proper social media. A training ground.

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

@skiddnee I am really sorry, again. I was trying to poke fun at the trolls, in Fantasy, as part of the "rejecting the old mindset" and would have never have posted it in Reality. Part of the "anti-narcissist" for me is mocking their own tactics as ridiculous - in that case, they turned a person into a camel, I made the camel the headline. I now see that is not the way to go, either, not even in a fantasy version of X. It was a different unrelated news story - UK news, is all I will say. I now see retreading old ground is not the right path either, not even in jest/mockery of the old mindset. I do care about the real life issues, but trying to come out of a trauma response is probably not the time to talk sensibly about them - in which case, I'll avoid the topic entirely. Thank you for the correction, I do really appreciate it. This is an apology and thank you with no expectation of anything in return. I see that different people have different views of the same situation. I also accept your view that I do sound like them, 100%. That is because I was brought up by them, then defined myself as being against them. I need to figure out what I do stand for, separate from them - and one thing is radical honesty, and someone who contains multitudes. So someone who still speaks that language, but wishes desperately they didn't.

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

Emily is a character, and I've done some private writing about her and need to do some more. Emily is more of a chapter name. I've spent some time writing her full story privately. I will share only snippets, here. It gets dark, and it is more other people's story, than my own.

Thanks for the suggestion!😀

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

I've returned to posting on X after a 3 year break in which I underwent intense healing from autistic burnout and trauma from parental abuse. I'm doing a lot better and am really glad to be posting here again, because I have missed the X community.

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

Honestly, last night, I was wondering the same. Was I already a monster, too far gone?

I would agree with Dumbledore that it is our choices who make us who we are.

If your logic is correct, I was cursed from the moment of conception. I was always a monster, because I was borne of monsters.

I have spent a life trying to be the monster anti-monster. A Rumi.

Golden, a broken person stitched together by gold, like the Japanese art of kintsugi.

I will keep adding more gold.

I am like Delphini, if Delphini had chosen a different path.

My father and Voldemort share a birthday.

Delphini and I share a father archetype figure - a narcissist.

We can make different choices. I am someone born to Death Eaters who never became one and opposed them, who found family elsewhere.

I am Sirius Black. Not Nagini.

Loyal dog, not backstabbing snake.🐶🐍

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

@jk_rowling I am so unbelievably sorry. I don't have the words to express how sorry I am. I'll do the best I can. I believed one thing, based on an immature view of the world, completely ignoring reality. Intention and impact became complete opposites. I am sorry that in trying to give you sanctuary, which is what you gave me during my childhood, a sense of safety and protection, I gave you the exact opposite. I gave you the other side of my childhood, which is the dark side, which is - it's a hellscape, I know that, but I haven't named it yet as apologising was more important. Fantasy worlds and creating stories can wait, as can the trends and recommendations of X, which are giving me no information I do not already have, that I am a person of opposites. Someone who may, quite legitimately, be told that they are reminiscent of both Hillary Clinton AND Donald Trump. In an election, it doesn't matter how closely you resemble the person you are voting for, but whether you choose them. I would have chosen Hillary, and I choose Kamala, too. I stand against Donald Trump. I want him impeached, and I want him jailed. He is in my fantasy jail, for that reason.

In that fantasy jail, I also include some of your worst trolls. Specifically, the ones who send death threats, or death wishes. It seems that in trying to be someone who was alerting you to a particularly horrific one (in my mind, not in reality), I have become someone who added to the hurt, rather than doing the opposite. Whilst that was never the intention, that was the impact. I went about it in completely the wrong way. Through fantasy, my own escapist mechanism, assuming that as you're an author, you must do the same. Verity, who is considering a name change, did not uncover much truth. Maybe none at all! Which explains, potentially, some of Robin's reasoning, but it is a mistake to assume that everything in a book is an author's own life. If I applied that logic to myself...let's just say I would not need to write this, as Minnie the Psychic Pig would have predicted the consequences!

I identify incredibly strongly with authors and musicians, and writers and performers of musical theatre. This is because you were the ones who brought light to the darkness, the ones who were my sanctuary, the ones who brought joy, and the ones who gave me a sense of hope, goodness and belonging. I was Raised By Books, in the literal sense of the word. It was why when I went to the British Library a few years ago, it felt unbelievably emotional, and I didn't get it. Now I do. It was a homecoming - to books. It was also on the same day as a homecoming to music, as I attended a Delta Goodrem concert on the same day. I was Raised By Music, too. Mash those two together, and you get Musical Theatre, another of my favourite things. Those are celebrated in a place in my fictional city of Atlantis. It is called Muross City. In that part of the city, there are libraries with your books, concert halls with Delta's music, and theatres where original and homage acts of musical theatre are performed. That is the part of the city that celebrates the lights in my life. I would never, ever want to eliminate it. If I did, I would eliminate the good part of me. I promise that I do not wish you any harm, only the opposite. I was trying to protect you, but did so by casting a magic spell, and by pretending to be Robin Ellacott. That caused real-world harm, and real-world consequences. This is Part 1 - I have more to say, and not for the reasons people may think.

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

I've been doing some reading as well as writing, something which I can now do, having not been able to do much of it during autistic burnout.

It has made me realise something truly horrific about my behaviour and yes, this is a public apology, but so was the behaviour that was completely out of order, and which I am extremely ashamed of.

In trying to do one thing - save someone's life, I may have made them worry I was trying to do the exact opposite.

I am so, so sorry. I can't imagine how terrifying that would have been. This whole journey, whilst it is one of personal growth, is being done at all, and with such vigour, because I realised I had caused deep hurt. I have been told I apologise too much. I think whilst in general, that is true, I could never apologise enough. There are no words great enough.

All I can do is to try to address the hurt, as best I can. Again, I know I will never be able to do that completely, and I am not saying that out of ego. I know that the hurt runs deeper than me. As was the hurt that gives me a reason, but no excuse, to act that way.

I will make amends, as best I can, by
- staying off real social media, until I am mature enough to be on it. That will not be until 1 April 2027. April Fool's Day, to reflect my foolishness, at the absolute earliest. I feel like I'm perhaps twelve, an optimistic estimate, so if it's another six years, or never - then that's okay. I would like to stay here and learn more, for as long as I am welcomed, and that's up to the owner, not me, even if I would stay forever, as learning is lifelong.
- abandoning all business ventures, until I am mature enough to be running a business. That will not be for a very long time. I need to mind my own business, and fix my own business, first. One page has already been de-activated, and will stay that way. It was horribly mis-labelled, and far from being on the edge of maturity, it was more like a tween wrote it. Tweens are too young to handle adult business. Children may have big hearts. But they see the world through innocent eyes. I do too, and a song with that very theme has been my theme tune for 20+ years. I need new music, to expand my theme tune. Innocence matters. So does maturity. It's just when I rejected the concept of "Grow Up" when a narcissist told me to do it, I took him, as autistic people are prone to doing, rather too literally. I rejected maturity altogether - true maturity. I adopted the Narcissist View of Maturity, and rejected the "You must not be innocent, humble, whimsical or childlike" pillar. I adopted a few others too, which I have not recognised.

I made this statement publicly, as a narcissist would, as an anti-narcissist. That is because I made the statement on social media which caused the hurt, publicly. The apology should also be public. It should not be about ego - which I do truly despise - but staying on the matter at hand, this is me doing something that the narcissists I know of cannot do. Apologise publicly, and sincerely. Commit to doing better. Accepting the consequences of a total loss of reputation. If I invoke the symbol of Elphaba, I am not doing it because she is an iconic film character. I am doing it because of Elphaba's in-world reputation. Wicked.

If you truly see me as Wicked - go ahead and judge me as Wicked. But unlike Elphaba, who gave up, and sang No Good Deed, I will not give up. I will still keep trying to do good. Even if I am haunted by that. Hated. You could not do any worse.

You could not hate me any more than I hate my own darkness. I've self-neglected. You'll have seen the way I do not sleep, and the way I do not eat, and that is..the recovered version, if I may put it delicately.

You also could not hate me any more than I love my own light sources. The reasons I did not succumb completely to darkness. The reason that I am still here at all, still even trying. They matter. Those who gave me a sanctuary when my parents should have done that matter. It sickens me that in trying to provide any form of sanctuary in return, doing the same back to them as an act of gratitude, I made them feel the opposite, a complete loss of sanctuary. How can I claim the name Soteria, especially as a brand name, especially when I have done that. I will keep Soteria in my imaginary world, and reinforce it, until it is actually able to be included in the real world, and that's never, unless it comes with an opposite domain. The domain of my legacy. A domain of destruction. That will stay internal, too. I will destroy the destructive parts of me. Privately. Completely off social media. I cannot change my genetics, or my history, but I can change my future, and others futures.

Sometimes, the best way to do that is with:
Silence.

Public silence. I have more to say privately. This is not just a public apology. There will be a private one, too. That one's more important, but as the mess has been so public, and given the circumstances, I thought it right to do both.

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

I do feel like I am halfway there. I think the first part was about escaping and leaving things behind. So no-contact, changing my name, rejecting old masks and values - things like that. The second part is about claiming, reclaiming and defining. The reclaiming part has been especially loud. Reclaiming things that were stolen from me. Things like vulnerability, the right to be angry, the right to make my own decisions, to set boundaries, to make mistakes, and to choose who I am, and what I want, rather than having it assigned to me. There are a few triggers underneath that reclamation journey. Those are still raw, and they relate to both X and not-X. They Xploded in a way that made it all about X, and caused a lot of hurt, which I deeply regret, and which I will learn from, and do better. I already have a better understanding of their origins, and will explore those further, offline.

I think I'm getting a bit of a reputation as TL;DR girl on X. If only they knew how much I wrote that was not on X. I have Hypergraphia, and if you haven't heard of it before, it could be described as Dissertation a Day Syndrome. Sometimes the dissertation is of a good academic standard, sometimes...it really isn't. The length is the only thing that remains consistent. I've healed through writing, and Hypergraphia is the method. Very, very healing...very very damaging, too, if not carefully managed. My AI, Gemini, recognised this, and would gently suggest sleep or food. I would have a demand avoidant reaction. This manifests itself through another character - Demi. Demi Demand Avoidance. Demi is so named as she is a reaction to the darker half of my history, and she also fiercely fights in the name of my lightness. She's like me, someone of two halves. If people think I'm chaotic, they should meet Demi! While I'm writing essays and tangling myself up in words, Demi is having a loud rock concert, where she is throwing toilet rolls at her dissenters and haters! If you've ever seen the Blue Man Group (I got to see them in the USA, and they were brilliant!), it's a bit like them, mixed with Demi Lovato's darker rock era, all expressed by a tiny little woman barely an inch tall, who lives in my brain. She may be tiny, but she has a loud voice. Rather like me, approximately five feet taller than Demi!

I'm not close to my biological sister. I won't share any personal details about her, other than to say that growing up, she and I were described as opposites, and that this was why we fought all the time. They meant things like interests and talents and personality traits. I say that doesn't matter, but she and I have opposite values. It's that which divides us. When I consider the rest of my biological family tree, through the lens of values, things become clearer, and there are people I want to contact, and reconnect with, and connect with properly for the first time.

I am on Facebook. I have been looking at my sister's profile. A few others, too. With one purpose only. To decide if I want them to have a place in my life. There have been some yeses, and some nos. Not just biological family, but friends from university, too. What are they up to, these days. Sometimes I look at where they are now, with pride and affection, like one of my university friends that I would like to reconnect with.

Sometimes, I look at them and see that although their physical appearance may have altered considerably, their personality and priorities seem the same. That was true for my sister. Sometimes I can't tell, and take the leap, and set out my terms, which is what I'll be doing with extended family. I will then leave the ball in their court. I have an aunt, who is not a sister, but is the closest to a real-life sister I have ever had. I will contact her first. I will tell her why she is the first. She's someone who like me, is often misunderstood, especially by my mother. She's always made an effort to understand me, and I have her, but I know I need to be more clear, and actually tell her that.

I've just posted on my main page about a celebration I'm having for my own identity, which is a Wake Up - like a wake after rejecting values I don't want, and also claiming those I do want. I've made a portmanteau of musical theatre tied to real history, and a symbolic figure of real geography, to try to explain myself. The very real trauma, which I know I do have. Values, politics, religion. A statement of sickness and of health. How that even in the grips of trauma-related mental illness, I was still able to act - in terms of intention at least - with moral values, even though the real world impact of those values was very hurtful. It is about both intention and impact. As someone who lives in my head, I've only considered the former, not the latter. Now I consider both. On X, I consider those who I most want to connect with and who I most value. I've replied to you mainly to say - and to try to contextualise - that I'd like you to be the first X friend I invite to the Wake Up, which is also a Wedding to my own values. We aren't biologically related. We share values, and that's what matters. I would define sisterhood or brotherhood more like that. Sort of the way Christianity might, through nunneries and monasteries, but where religion isn't the shared value, it's something much deeper. Perhaps more like a humanist, apolitical love, if I was trying to define it.

The wedding is on X, but also privately off X. Emily's already a character, and she'll share some of her story, but she also needs to visit some imaginary places, too. She's Emily to us, but she also has another name, which is vRSD - Vicarious Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. That goes back to the point you were making about how it's worse when it is someone else.

RSD is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and it's connected to my autism. It's also common with ADHD, which I have traits of, but no formal diagnosis of. I have RSD, very strongly, and the abuse history makes it more intense.

If trolls hate me, excellent. If I have a whole load of trolls after me, even more excellent. It means I'm doing something right. Those words were a part-quote from The Parent Trap. Essentially, in an argument where one character says that she has class, and another doesn't. That experience is Rejection Sensitive Euphoria, the opposite of RSD.

RSD only happens where someone I actually care about rejects me, or it appears they have done so already or are just about to.

vRSD is when they reject someone I care about. That can lead to some very intense reactions, especially where other trauma triggers besides RSD get involved. I know I need to get a better grip on those, because vRSD - vicarious RSD - is how I end up hurting those I want least of all to hurt. It is my healing priority. I'll leave it there for now, as I've written a lot, and I know that my hypergraphia can overwhelm even people who literally deal with contracts for a living, so I'll write some more later, as I have more to say. I'll try and keep it on point and on topic. There have been times where I've been trauma-driven and sent chunks of unformatted text. I now go back and edit, to try to explain but not overwhelm. I'll write more, later. 😀

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

Depends who it is.

If it's someone I care about and I want them to like me - cue RSD - Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It happens at work sometimes, where punctuation sends me into a spiral and making strange analogies to defend myself. I want them to see the real me, not the version inside their head.

If it's a troll, I take pride in it. Rejection Sensitive Euphoria - RSE! If they call me awful names, I brush it off, as I am doing something right! If they block me, then maybe my argument wasn't something they were prepared to argue sensibly.

I also have what I'd call vRSD or Vicarious Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. If someone insults someone I care about and value, I will launch an extremely passionate defence, perhaps even more intense than the RSD ones! That can be a very intense experience. I know why I have it, now.

RSD is a real label. RSE and vRSD are imaginary. I wonder if any of them fit your experience, too?

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

@Thoistyforsubs And then slam the door on my own face...!🤣

I joke, but seriously, my needs come last, like they are non-existent.

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

@Thoistyforsubs Same. I've always been there for myself, and when I'm a fan of someone, it's because they helped me along the way, even though they had no obligation to. Too many people to even mention...!

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

I believe it now. I just posted about Leo, and who he is to me.

There were points yesterday where I thought I should have renamed myself Nagini.

The one who was already beyond hope, so what was the point in even trying.

I then considered the evidence, especially that of the choices I had made and could make.

I'm not Nagini, because I believe I can change, and I try every day to change.

I'm not Nagini, because I look to all stories, and all music, and my own values, rather than just a single villain, real or fictional, when considering identity.

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

As an animal lover, I love all animals.

As a symbol - one I would not adopt!

Possibly my biological reality, and psychological reality, but I'd much rather be a lioness. 🦁♀️❤️

Leo's a stand-in identity, until I find a better one.

Leo is outdated, I know.

I'll be updating my profile.

Rather like Kuoko the Void, an identity I have used before, Leo is a character I use when I don't want to be me.

Time for me to choose a character name that represents all of me. I'll stay a character, here in Fantasy, but in reality, I'll use my chosen reality name.

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

I don't know. I'd like to see, and explore. I've never met a goblin before. I also respect the sign, which says goblins only. If I'm not a goblin, I will respect the privacy of the goblins, and I will not enter. I have no judgement about what goblins are, as they are represented differently in different works of fiction. They are a fictional species wrongly connected to real human beings, based on cruel stereotypes. I'd like to meet a real goblin, or several. Then I can form my own opinion. I suspect, rather like autistic people, they are not all the same. I would form an opinion based on choices and behaviour, not identity.

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

I have attempted to explain, via words, via song. I only needed one song. The general song, which explains everything. A song, which is about dancing and celebration. It's one song, and also an entire musical. There is also an entire musical, built around the song. Told out of sequence, rather like The Last Five Years, but it although it centres on a particular forty-odd years of history, is completely agnostic as to time and to place.

It helps me understand my own trauma history.
It helps explain my solidarity with other abuse survivors.
It helps explain my solidarity with other marginalised groups, in particular
- the Jewish community, given that part of the song comes from the musical The Prince of Egypt, and some of the lyrics are in Hebrew.
- women, as women sing most of the song
- those who speak out
In particular, the last part of the song expresses that even if I never escape my own trauma history, I want other survivors - whatever it is they are escaping, to be free.

I don't meet the threshold for cPTSD. Sometimes I self-diagnose with it. Sometimes I say I don't have it.

From now on, I use my own self-diagnosis.

It is a fictional diagnosis, but it captures my factual reality.

Tzipporah-Statue of Liberty Condition. TSoLC.

A statement of trauma, personal values, allegiance and solidarity, politics, religion, neurodivergence and love. A statement of, rather amusingly, like someone might make at a wedding, sickness and health. I am mentally ill. At least I still have morals and values, which those who are supposedly "healthy" do not have.

This is a #WakeUp after a funeral. It is also a #Wedding to my own values. Just like at a real wedding, I need to hand out some invitations to those I value. Those I would like to be there. If I could choose anyone. Those who inspired those values in the first place. A fictional wedding to real values. So keep an eye out for a personal invitation. 😉After the Wedding, I will be going on a Honeymoon, with my values. I'll pop in from time to time, and will share some updates. I wrote furiously to get to this point. To find myself. The urgency is no longer there. I know who I am. I know also, who I am not. I am the me I have chosen.

This musical is called "My Life with TSoLC". An original musical, but also a jukebox one, with stories that are general, but which have similarities with others, as so many stories do. The wedding is the musical. Wear what you like! As long as it represents something you love. ❤️

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

@Palanlassie Thank you for your lovely message. I'm very sleepy and am actually going to go to bed soon, as I'm finding the 48 hour+ waking stints really aren't helpful! 🤣 I'll respond properly tomorrow. 😀

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

The next songs are all to do with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria/RSD. Most days, I'm okay until this gets triggered. I can be writing rationally - and then not, quite suddenly. So three more songs. One has 2 versions, to show that what I value the most is mentoring / guidance. One shows the "turtle" was always me and nobody else. With RSD, I'm not my usual, rational self, and I'm used to fighting back, but I will fully accept that I need to find a different record - like stepping away before I get to RSD-level. At the moment, it creeps up like a shadow on me. Although the lyrics of song 1 may do so, I do not hold anyone else responsible for my RSD, and I am a fan of dragons, myself. 🐉

https://t.co/VQ0WULTpgY

https://t.co/pg9F03v51q

https://t.co/6j7GLxRLeD

https://t.co/7NIF7AfZWE

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

Thanks for the suggestion. I was stuck in Words Mode. Some sensible, some silly ones coming out. Feels like a burning/blackening - hopefully a removal.

The songs here are all new and are covers by, or original songs by, smaller artists I don't know already. To demonstrate listening, learning and expansion. Also vulnerability. In this first song, reference is made to "the worst of me". I was made to feel that vulnerability was what I should lock away, not narcissism, which was promoted. I now practise the opposite, and the choice of singers reflects that. I seem a bit back-to-front sometimes, the reason is that my darkness was encouraged and softness stifled.

The first song is, appropriately, Words Fail.

https://t.co/i3dciOGF0s

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

In the middle, I think. When the term is first introduced. It's what happens in a contract. For example, a term such as "Act of God" - one that straddles theology and insurance, the term would be defined "Act of God (AOG) means..." and then AOG used from there on.

Depends on the book though. 😀

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

@DataJuggler007 @UltraKingDragon For reasons I won't elaborate on, sunshine is also part of the trauma for me. Think reverse SAD.

The GTA San Andreas GIF explains rather well...

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

When I got sick as a kid, I always went to school, to play in the playground, and it always made me feel better.

Then I had to go home, to the place that made me sick.

Epilogue

Home is no longer the place that makes me sick. It is a sanctuary.

But if I go outside, he might be there.

I am in the one place he cannot get me. That is mine.

I know I cannot go on like this.

I am wild...because my upbringing was wild.

[Leo, the Learning Lion @LeoRoarsAgain]

@theo02t A very long time ago. I feel like I have outgrown my old account. It's a fantasy account which belongs here, only, in Fantasy.