Ex-quisite

[Ex-quisite @LifeStricken]

*Licks your neck on the first date to mark territory

[Ⓜ️isterD @MisterD78UK]

I met my 'Miss Right', but she insists I introduce her by her full name, 'Miss Always Right'

[Bummer T. Vibes, Esq @VibesBummer]

Imagine going back to her place to play video games and she hands you a 3rd party controller.

[Nostradadmus @bigpoppadrunk]

I just got concerned with a new mole on my arm until I realized my wife fell asleep with chocolate on my side of the bed

[៚ @sisterstrust]

'It's not you, it's me'~ looking at myself in the mirror.

[meghan @deloisivete]

Toddler, hitting me with toy hammer: Mom, I’m fixing you!

Me: *fires therapist*

[Heaux Pro Boner @alice_x_daniels]

once you hear my voice my tweets sound much better

[Ex-quisite @LifeStricken]

Be careful!
Sometimes you become what you hate the most

[Heaux Pro Boner @alice_x_daniels]

social media has taught me that there are no singular experiences anymore, if it's happened it's happened to someone else too

[Heaux Pro Boner @alice_x_daniels]

stick another cigarette butt into the already overflowing ashtray

[Heaux Pro Boner @alice_x_daniels]

fighting the patriarchy by messaging them "hey" and then letting them carry the whole conversation

[Heaux Pro Boner @alice_x_daniels]

i cannot imagine some of you having sex, like i can but it pains me

[Heaux Pro Boner @alice_x_daniels]

i'll forget your name the second you say it but i'll remember being pantsed in front of my crush forever

[💀SpookyLittleComic👻 @CunniLinguist77]

A good friend has your back
A better friend has your front

[Fuck it all, Love Molly 💋 @mistrustme1]

You’re missing out by hating on women here. Some of the smartest, funniest, most beautiful and kindest women are here.

[jelly @smartdumbleo]

deadass this man just got on the bus, sat down across from me, looked at my cleavage and then subtly did the cross gesture to himself

[Maybe Pile @MaybePileJokes]

[rap battle]

me:[drops mic]

me:[picks up mic] sorry im a quite the nervous nelly

[Maybe Pile @MaybePileJokes]

i was going to try and make a clever joke about burkas but i was worried it would go over your head

[Maybe Pile @MaybePileJokes]

me: life is precious, there is no way I could kill someone.

mob boss: what if there was a free t-shirt involved?

me:[screwing red dot sight onto sniper] which bitch gotta die?

[Maybe Pile @MaybePileJokes]

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not