Hiya! My Name's Lili, Though My Friends Call Me Limey! Looking forward to getting to meet people! Yes, I Use A.I :) it's fun!
โ๏ธ, Family, and ๐ฆ๐บ Pride
It's 2:55 in the bloody morning, I haven't slept, I've got bags under my eyes, I need a coffee, and I'm ready to bite someone. Fight me. โ๐๐๐
@lunavesperUK Come back when you've got something better than a mouthful of confidence, sweetheart. Right now you're all bark and no bite ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ @anonymous_5838 come get your darl, will you? ๐
**LONG POST INCOMING**
This will probably come off as EXTREMELY parasocial or whatever descriptor you wanna use, but i felt the need to post this... especially after recent events that have been pretty negative for me, i wanted to try and focus on the positives i have for once.
When i first started this journey as Blondini 4 months ago, i never imagined my eyes would be opened to how many good people are still here in this world. I won't lie.. there's been so much pain and hardship going on for me behind the scenes, that I've only let so much out in the open. I have been so caught up in my own head, in my own suffering, that i neglected to remember something i was told awhile ago by a certain brat. I was so focused on all the knives in my back, all the could be's, all the may be's, that i never took the time to assess what i had already had right in front of me all along. I was a fool.. The irony isn't lost on me. I am only human after all. A deeply flawed one at that. But nonetheless i wanted to take the time to share a bit of my story with those of you who can be bothered to read this, as long as it may be.. Alright, here we go.
Remember that brat that told me something awhile ago? That would be my cousin, @LiliLemon00 who always told me "be yourself, and the genuine people you want to be around will find you in due time, just be patient." And somehow yet again.. the younger cousin was right.
First i met @corric57 before i ever even started streaming in the EN space after my doxing. He's done so much for me, been an older brother figure of sorts, guiding me and helping me work through things that on my own would overwhelm me all at once, and all while already being a busy man himself. He's even introduced me to some amazingly kind and accepting individuals, despite how rowdy they are, they're a good bunch of souls. And for that, i am happy to call him close like family. I'm sorry i can't do more to repay you.
Next were @AspiriaEn, @OpalUsagi_VT , and @CaptainOx688 , i met them by joining a streamer group that no longer exists. And while there, i experienced my fair share of set backs. What started as Anti-AI people attacking me turned into people within that streamer groups community coming at me for whom i was romantically involved with at the time. All the while, Ox and Aspi had my back. And Opal? God bless her for always doing her own thing and judging me off her interactions with me. Opal's also helped me to gain a bit of a backbone in the sense that she's helped me to become a better creator, whether she realizes it or not.
After that group fell apart i wondered around, and found myself in many spaces, all the while struggling to nail down where my own would be in the grand scheme of things. During this time i met @JagTheHero who has helped me set my discord security up, and has always been at the ready since to assist my anxious ass with all my tech related questions. It was during this time i also met @arkd3v , @reazaroff , @R0BinAndroid , @Snow_inari , @raemilus , @DidleJ18625 , @ScarletAmi , and @RossoVermil , all of whom in their own ways have been amazing friends to me, one's i really should one of these days write a full message out for but I'll leave it at this: thank all of you for the late night calls, the assurances, the laughs, all of it i hold close and cherish in ways words alone can't convey. Which i wish i had realized sooner.
In these last 2 months particularly, i have been through so much compressed into such a short time span. I watched a space i had once found wonder and whimsy in turn into something i came to detest. All the people? Two Faced. The Friendships? Facades at best, downright transactional at worse. And me? I wanted to leave it all behind. I was ready to not just give up streaming, not just socializing, but everything in general. My life outside the screen had gotten significantly worse, my health declined, my mental health took a plummet right off the metaphorical peak.
I had written off making or maintaining relationships in general until i happened across an... enigmatic and eccentric individual by the name of @MagsNoctis. Mags had taken the time out of his busy day to sit me down and hear me out, take in EVERYTHING i had to say. And he actually listened, he didn't just hear me out, he listened.. more then i could say many people had done at that point. And at the end of the day you know what this crazy motherfucker did? He offered me a place amongst his community, a club of sorts by the name of Tartarus. At first, i was beyond skeptical. Don't get me wrong, Mags was nothing but patient and kind with me, but joining another space like this? I was on edge. Truth be told, even now as i type this i still am, but that's anxiety for you. It never goes away, only settles in the back of your head.
But since becoming active in @Club_Tartarus, I've met many more amazing people, like everyone's favorite accident prone Baka @Exarchos, or the A.I music equivalent of Louis Armstrong in @LyricalAbsinthe, both of whom have become trusted friends as well.
Sure, I'm not the smartest with a lot of things, but the people in Tartarus have been nothing but kind to me (In spite of how the name makes it appear), they've helped bring back a quickly dying flame that was my drive to meet people and keep going forward. And to Mags, Exa, Absinthe, and the rest of the Tartarus family... sincerely thank you guys. For taking a chance on someone as broken and insecure as myself... it means so much to me, that again I find myself struggling to express it in words.
I say all this to say this: If you've felt or feel similar to how i have and still do sometimes, that your nothing but a burden on others for being present, for having bad days and bad times, try not to be so hard on yourself. Holding onto hatred, be it towards others or especially yourself will do nothing but poison your own well. People care. You just have to take those first few steps out on your own merit to find them. Afterwards, keeping them around is as simple as being real with both them and yourself.
i don't know what i did to deserve not just these people, but all of my followers. Truly. I can't comprehend it, but maybe one day i will be able to look back and say i did good. Hopefully. I appreciate all of you, even if i didn't include you, your still included. I read every comment you guys leave, and they always bring a smile to me when I'm down and out. And though i have many battles ahead, i know i won't be through them by myself anymore. That's enough for me.
So back to our regularly scheduled antics, alright!? I have a collab I'm working on for my stream before the upcoming surgery, i hope to see some of you there, yeah? And remember: Your so much more than what a majority defines you as. So long as you can say for yourself your happy and content with how your life is playing out, your golden! So let's all look forward to getting there together, one day at a time!