Young Lease

[Young Lease @LisaHerman12]

Every time I see the cotton ball in the aspirin bottle, I’m like “You go, Aspirin! Be cozy!”

[Alex Blechman @AlexBlechman]

Zombie movies aren’t actually about zombies. They’re a metaphor for how it would be cool if everything at the mall was free

[Young Lease @LisaHerman12]

Happy end-of-year to all you Long December-heads! Hope you’re laughing a little slower and talking a little lower this month.

[Young Lease @LisaHerman12]

The names of chartreuse and vermillion should be swapped. We all know it.

[Young Lease @LisaHerman12]

MAKE A STREAMING SERIES OF SWEET VALLEY HIGH SENIOR YEAR

[Young Lease @LisaHerman12]

“I’m ready to leave when you are” is universal code for “We should have left 20 minutes ago.”

[pj @pjayevans]

(Seeing old friends) We just don’t go to high school like we used to anymore

[Young Lease @LisaHerman12]

Adding dependents during open enrollment:

*turns to dog*

What’s your social security number?

[Matt. @MattTheBrand]

me: idk why i’m single

me on tinder: TWO hiking pics??? ok lewis and clark

[Young Lease @LisaHerman12]

Ok, LESSONS IN CHEMISTRY. You kill a beautiful sweet man and then open the next episode with a dog’s voiceover saying “The first thing I remember is FEAR”? This is cruel and unusual.

[Young Lease @LisaHerman12]

Obsessed with this moment in the twins game when they were showing a guy with a novelty hat and after a moment of dead silence the color commentator just said “that’s bigger than a normal hat”

[Nick @NickSchug]

If a group of strangers ask me to take a picture of them I take two selfies first as a tax.

[Young Lease @LisaHerman12]

Me: what do you want me to do with this frumious bandersnatch?
My Dad: Shun it.

[Young Lease @LisaHerman12]

In space no one can hear you scream for ice cream. Is that anything?

[Young Lease @LisaHerman12]

Why is the OBX soundtrack a mix cd I made for my car in 2011?

[Young Lease @LisaHerman12]

@Oatmeal

[Young Lease @LisaHerman12]

The 5th Element Diva song walked to the White Lotus theme could run.

[donni saphire @donni]

You'd think "eyelashes" would be more painful

[Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circus @BeeeejEsq]

Computer: Enter new password

Me: MyDinnerWithAndre

Computer: Not enough characters